Chapter XXVI: Doesn't Matter
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Work double yesterday n today... i was late today... fuck up... totally cannot hear the alarm... g/h call me, totally nvr hear... untill my lao po zai call me then i pick up... it was already 8... fuck... can't pull my body up... i know my temperature these few days la... not very high la,but dunno y so giddy n shack... haha frank to say la, i'm sick... cos no time drink wat ba... haha is forget to drink... headache ah... but dun dare to say, scare they dun let me work... onli my lao po zai knows... now i ok abit le... keep drinking water today but pee still very yellow... die la... dun give a damn la... just disappointed with myself... so fast reach limit liao... haiz... work at night even more sian... kanna fuck by yoke kuan for nothing... the guest order things troublesome then my fault... i'm trying my best to get wat the guest need most my fault... for wat u scold me la... no mood to work plus i already reach my limit... so whether they can go early whether everything will go smoothly,doesn't matter...
Childish hor? haha go back to last time liao... felt tt part time really like tissue, need to use then take dun need then throw away...fuck sia... everytime call me go split shift... everytime c the full timer do nothing then i work like dog...onli c them work when need to save cos when i have to go... the full time always can sit down talk... dunno who full time who part time...ccb...but then y i still work there? first is to earn money fast, second is to increase my capabalities... so kanna make used like tt does it matter? yes,cos i can master wat i learn faster n become even more professional... so i du lan for fuck....just too tired... wanna be childish for awhile... so let it be... hoho...
Go friendster,saw eve view my profile... browse her profile n photos... haha happy with him now... good... some kind of fate i think... although i will still think about the memories everyday, still sometimes will cry,but i'm just blaming myself... doesn't matter le... whether i'm happy or sad doesn't matter much to anyone... i cry or laugh doesn't matter le... wat matter me most is how am i climbing up... the rest doesn't matter le... after ting tt dai ji i realli c open le...
Tired, really tired... lao po zai bought me this tt day...
so sweet... so happy... but doesn't matter le... she got bf,she is old enough to think le... she is just my another collegue...my superior... think she also another one getting married soon de ba... watever... saw crystal(swee ching) today again... felt tt she more n more cute n happy le... think get used to the environment le ba... she also a good gal... first time felt tt she's attractive... dunno she like me or dun like... always like to suan me untill very jia lat although she's not good at it... so sad... haha watever,doesn't matter... still got alot of things... g/h politics is damn gao also... if i join full time most probably will kanna also, although now i already kanna whack in the face liao...but.... same old thing, doesn't matter anymore... onli money n my future matters...
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
This is the word i use when eve ask me y i love her last time... memories... i c it all... all around me... i missed...not onli her, all the things... u know wat? it's painful... i know may not be as painful soon... but i dun wan to have any of this type of memories again... so shut up my heart, cut off my friends, not going to start a relationship again... dunno till when... be alone... if lonely just work, read... increase knowledge... dun wanna feel this kind of pain anymore... the feeling now is like maybe a few years later when i think back of these memories i will still cry... i think i still got the photo at home... the one at laviva, we take together... realli... dunno how long this sadness last... sometimes felt tt death will realli cure... but fair to my family ma? i still have to protect them... so pain... i will not die,as long as in my reachable means... now hearing a song from hyde... his last personal album, faith... a song named 'Season call'... very nice n very different from the rest of the album... i wanted to edit the lyrics to english for eve last time, tt night i first break with her... really cannot leh... but there is a few lines i realli felt tt is describing my feeling for her now...
"How many cut should I repeat?
How many fate should I accept?
Does it ever ends?
~
You taught me how to love,
I feel,
I can do anything...
~
My beloved season call me,
Because I always feel you in me..."
The season means, to my point of view la... most of the ppl have a time in life where they got lots of time, for singapore, it's when studying, i n eve also started tt time... we got lots of time together doing things we like... the memories is so sweet... although there's quarrel but it's happy... alot of ppl won't wan to give up this relationship, although alot did, i did too... but even if next time we had a new relationship or even married, we will sometime think back... tt season,calls our soul back to time...feeling each other in our heart... if i analyse correct then this song surely not written for his wife de... wtf...
Instinct... example, dog got a instinct is to self defence, most animal have... birds' is to fly, fishes' is to swim... human leh? think i got written this topic in my last book... now i got a different thinking of my own instinct... eve should know... my instinct is to fight... chinese call "zhan dou"... yao rong ever told me he wan to stay by the sea side n enjoy life when he retire, me too... but i was thinking, u wan a 20+ kid staying at tt kind of place for the rest of the life? wu siao bo? ya, when i'm old... but for now, i wan to fight... found three important things in me, way to love, purpose of life, reason to fight... to love someone is to make her happy... to a extend with ownself's foresight, guiding her, giving advice... when come to betrayal or wat, just accept, love her, wish her happy, of cos telling her this is not correct n leave her, let her think for herself... this i my way to love... i know alot of ppl cannot catch the ball...nvm... purpose of life is to create a heaven in earth, this i say b4 le... reason to fight is to protect... ownself, emotional n physical, n test the strength of one self,the soul created by god(if there is), body created by parents, to the very extend, setting the limit sky high, n to over take everyone to reach the sky, not in one particular direction, n is in all directions... fnb, achitect, engineering, computer,health products, everything on business side...languages, intelligence,attitude,skill of observation, analysation, concentration, multi-tasking,communication skills, skill of acting, skill in chess, martial arts, skill of love making,watever i can find i will try my very best to excell... of cos including i like it la... challenge anyone visible... this is my instinct.... issit other's too? i dunno... of cos base on the most profitable in finacially one first... becos i need to eat... ya... my reason to fight, my instinct, is to test my limits...
Been working morning today... late....cos really damn tired.... stomach pain also... cannot take it liao... the pressure is too much for me liao...as usual the giving up feelings come again... without hesitation i choose not to give up... i choose this path,i won't just give up like tt...
Went to work...saw lao po zai... give out my hundred percent to support her... she the onli one i work with i can give hundred percent one... cos i like her the most... childish... i wan to get nearer to her... not onli as collegue, also as friends... of cos i think abit else wise la... in the end she indeed think else wise... she's a good actoress i guess... the format of facial expression is so different from others when come to rejection of certain things... perhaps i dun understand her enough ba... nvm... as long she's happy today... the reason y she cried yesterday is becos ppl accused her... i dunno who la, but the problem is my bro teach me one thing when i'm young...my dad always like to accuse ppl... i kanna accused... my bro says, it's very silly to cry when ppl accuse u, cos it's a way tt u admit tt u do wrong... if u nvr do wrong then y the fuck u cry? so when i grow up i think this way... if i failed myself i will cry,sad, but if ppl accuse me call them go fuck spider... i'm like tt...when grow even older i found tt this way is not correct... it's correct la, but will make life even more tough... being accuse means something bad happened n ppl's at fault,not ur fault, but ppl will always push to others... in any case like tt, must c situation la, can carry the fault then just carry just to reach the aim u wan... world is fuck up... so in ways of surviving, i also become fuck up... tt's y... alot of principle in life really can bend untill 180 degrees de,just becos of situation....
Went back home, watch bleach, halfway knock out...too tired... then ting call me...first thing is "ccb!!!" tt is one of the key word tt will instantly ignite the fire in a tired person...but i nvr fuck her back immediately... it's becos of ade la... i can confirm one thing, i'm not at fault for keeping the secret...ade tell me the news call me dun say out, i nvr say out got wrong meh? ccb... this is the second time in life i show my temper to her loh... everybody got their secret to keep, even to their closest,even if u not happy then come fuck me for wat? u wan to scold just scold ade la... she wants to keep wat... somemore u got think for her anot? she is someone so kind tt won't like to let her problems go to others de...i know i say i will help her, but she won't even let me help...expected...but of cos i have my way, tt one later then say.... problem is her character is like tt wat, tt's y i love her so deep tt time... u understand anot? u got think of my fucking feeling anot? i know u got... but not as first picture, i also got think of ur feeling, but i can't do a shit also... i onli can say i'm not angry now... but now we like bi bin already loh... i really treasure this friendship of urs... but.... u just ignite the bomb in me... all this shit begins with eve, yaorong,then after tt link to sandra, zhe... i already fucking down the cliff liao... then now becos of this u come fuck me upside down... i realli very pain loh... seriously speaking, didn't i show my love to eve b4? didn't i treat yao rong as my bro b4?just becos i scare to lost tt's y i suspect...my fucking fault... i know... i'm sorry... didn't i show my love care concern to shiman n zhe? go ask them n ans from heart... have anot? i always try to treat them good,money or wat ever nvr really go kay kao... sad feelings i also try not to show them,so wat the fuck now?n u? jer? becos of u i ever hate him so fucking alot u know? wan to kill him too... becos of his father, becos of the memories with him becos u love him, now leh? try my best to help him, try my best already... u leh?tell me now la...didn't i care for u enough? becos of u i quarrel with eve how many times liao? i really dun understand... bringing my heart out to love all of u n wat the fuck i get now? i'm more than disappointed... i dun hate u all.... u all go think... dun get the ball i also lan lan suck thumb... still think i tt fuck up i'm a loser just go ahead... we shall c.... life's short but dun ends here.... c who's right who's wrong... i trust,i'm right... c in the future who will get struck by the fucking lightning of gulit n regret... i had enough already.... i'm shutting up already... i'm a human too... i got my emotion... n at this rate i will get no where.... i will not accomplish wat i wan, i will not be able to protect anything.... i shut up...
Chapter XXIII: Don't Cry...
Monday, June 25, 2007
Ha, today tot working morning onli, in the end is split shift... ok la... the last part shack onli... do a very thorough floor check... but ccb, they doing carpet shampoo today... move all the chairs then push my tables...i put untill nice nice they all adjust... fuck la... but i really try my best... slow la... need improvement... this week scheduele stylo... monday split, tuesday morning, wed i take over clarisse then from 0530 to 12 midnight, but i think in the middle got split ba... thursday split, friday morning, sat double... shack like fuck,but can cock up to almost 500...erm... not tt bad la... hopefully won't go too far away... expect to hold at least 300+ by end of the week... haha today really learn alot from oneh-chan... she teach me how to split bill in 2 different ways, let me close alot of check then teach me how to do end of shift report... tiring but happy...
Haiz... got one sad thing...b4 i go split shift, i saw lao po zai cry... realli like very red loh, the eyes... ask her wat happen she also nvr tell me... just say nothing... very heart pain loh... really realli... haiz... dun wan her like tt la... msg her, got wat i will be there to help her... she need me listen i will listen de... she need advice i will give her my best de... anything i can help i will try my best to help de... i won't easily let her disappointed de... eh? oops? haha i realli change alot hor... last time treat eve also nvr so yong xing... haiz... dunno leh... she got bf liao... although i heard they broke off liao... i dunno la... dun think so much... c others cry i also dun care...maybe c oneh-chan or cheryl or samantha cry i will shock my shit out la...but c her cry i realli very pain... dun cry le lao po zai... dun give urself too much pressure, do ur best can liao... if still cannot accomplish wat u wan, the rest just leave it to me... LVYN yi chu,sui yu zheng feng...
Nowadays i know y i always like to work liao...one thing is money la, another thing is i dun wan to keep facing my 5 walls in my room, i dun wan to hear my grandma's cantonese rap... at least at work i dun really feel the stress... wat i wan to learn,as long i wan i can do it...not much as i cannot... tired is tired la... but go home even more stress... especailly just now go home c ebi's corner, knn... master piece drawn with shit... i really wonder how she draw one... maybe sis is right, she very boring... she got good creativity... haha... use green wool go scrap also cannot come out... can c is how long ago make one... use pure bleach go soak the whole floor, then use water splash, all come out... haha... go home wash floor really more stress... haiz... hope tml will be better...
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Connected! muahaha this is wat my Presario tell me just now... orhhohoho!!! finally... all thanx to 2nd sgt M..wohoho...realli must think of ways to help him back.. install alot of things into him...think he abit stress liao... n somemore these few days he run more than 12 hours...erm....must let him go off tml afternoon liao...thanx boy...sometimes u better than tt 2 outside leh...give me lots of problem...but ok la...at least will listen abit... i nowadays seldom whack them liao...onli slap them abit onli... haiz... i need to put in more effort... actually i sat work double de.. then i c my lao po zai off, then think of calling her to c movie, erm... wanted to watch tt long time ago liao... then till now still haven't watch then so i try calling her out la, so transfer my shift to others... seldom do so... also give myself chance to rest... in the end? she say she need to help her friend move house... dunno la... next time loh... too bad... in the end i sleeping at home... leg still pain... but the wound getting smaller liao... hope dun really infect till i fever... then realli siao liao...
Hehe long time nvr online for so long liao... so i change my blogskin again... this one really very nice, can c the wordings very clearly...hope others also can c... love this skin...so happy...although my net abit slow la, but will not out of a sudden cut off one...seldom la... hehe so happy today...at least got show to c,got music to hear...erm talk about music... i recently found tt hyde got alot of songs suit my situation damn perfectly... did he kanna the same shit as me? so i take one of the lyrics out n write on my words... for her... A__...those who knows me well should know wat my words means...
Erm....think of it... realli... if i wanna choose la,the gal i wan will be very high standard...near to impossible... siao liao.... aim too high...actually not tt high for me wat...erm... but got also others de liao... remember miss dang say tt day....guys r so ficker minded... erm... so if same thing happened like A__ i will not give up loh... should stay on one... others try liao may not be ok wat... so stick on one,then scarly can leh?if cannot, then at least i not so sui bian ba... if really like tt,in my life now,dun have this person exist loh... onli in dream la...so i make the right choice to wait ba...living alone also got it good point wat... haha...ya loh... happy now...lonely la, but i will dream of my princess tonight...haha if one day i really meet her, i will dare to say"i've been waiting for u all this while..." yeah time to sleep le... night night bloggy n Presario...
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Hoho!!! new member in my room... his name is 'Presario'... For him i edit a song... "If u happy n u know u clap ur lap,if u happy n u know u clap ur lap, if u happy n u know n u really wanna show,if u happy n u know u clap ur lap!!!" Muahaha... his birth give me lots of problem though... but soon 3rd sgt M will come n settle le... must treat him eat...
Today irene go back liao,i change my floor plan liao... haha, tonight will have a good sleep...tt night when presario come, i so happy, then nvr c carefully so i stepped on a plug... whole skin gone... blood come out alot... next day i working double man... but i go through it... today actually morning one... but i go take split... whole socks with blood... pain untill brain also pain... haiz...but at least i did something... last time i long ago mc loh.... happy happy... come home damn tired... then serve net n c something i last time always c one... hoho... then did something i a few days nvr do liao... woho... tired... can't stand the temptation... nvm... i need some entertainment... erm... must treat presario nicely... can't on for 24 hours like last time i treat toshiba like tt... presario look smaller, n it's black!! look very cool n grand... shiok... i need him for alot of thing... erm, must use him wisely... haha tml n sat double again...expected by end of this month can whack to 4 digit... cos got one full timer put aeroplane alot of time liao... hoho... so happy... got money, got presario, got doggy, erm... soon will have gal gal liao...
G/h now i nvr aim anyone liao... just work work work loh...dun really bother liao... but xiao lao po like very teng me leh... she got one time say she like me, like onli la...she got bf liao... hehe, i also like her la... but becos of principle, i will not do anything.... c how ba... plan my path, then on the way c how loh... this kind of things no hurry de... abit lonely at night onli... c the room... haiz, need someone to kiss n hug... forget it... time will come... now have to focus... my time now worst than BMT... now cannot report sick, can i also dun wan... everyday tired... now eyes wanna close liao... time to sleep... this 4 digit think i gonna save first... next month whack even more fierce... have to pay alot of things... sleep ba... c u tml Presario...
Monday, June 18, 2007
Today work morning... quite shack la... changes again... now we r wearing tt stupid kimono to do service... cock right...but quite light... somemore no need to waste the stupid time go uniform department draw uniform... knn tt place always waste my time... haiz... ok la... today really ma chiam work onli loh... lack of something... like nobody talk cock with me leh... or i didn't go find ppl talk cock...erm... dunno leh...some kind of boring today...feel damn sleepy...going to finish work tt time saw feby, elly,n who ah? nvr realli notice... onli notice this 2... haha fuck up right... they also like didn't give me a damn... erm... i feel the aura... may not be 100% zhun but got 80% ba... someone spread nonsence...about me de ba...erm...maybe...fuck care...my onli motive is to earn money now...emo emo thingy,haiz, time to stop le...feel like saying sorry for kissing her tt time...realli fuck up...dunno leh...my face now more n more like jay chou liao...lan jiao bin...
I really miss her...she is someone i felt tt is very kind... straight forward, not much ambition,like to show attitude not onli to her bf... even to her friends...but wat happened tt night?wat they tell her?or even show her?yes i know my mistake, can u read my pass few blog entry? pls, i really know liao, n i wanna change...even the chance to change u also dun give me ma?once a murderer is forever a murderer ma?if a human without a chance to change then i now still stay alive for wat?must well die?i change le also useless,for wat i live?thing carefully leh...a murderer sentence is death sentence leh... stupid law... i believe at least this is confirm cum chop correct one...at least a person sincerely wants to change chances should be given, trust may not be given in period of time,but a sincere criminal won't mind cos since he knows wat he did wrong...i dun mind if they nvr ever trust me again...i know wat my mistake... n if wan me to take all the blame i dun mind, cos i wanna change...realli realli... but i may not even know all of wat i did wrong...can just pls enlighten me?ya maybe i may like wat eve say last time,no matter who give me advice i won't listen,i'm stubborn, i'm proud...call me watever... but now i really wanna know...n i will think through it... seriously think through it...pls tell me...
Sorry,i got nothing to give u to apologise...the money loh... u say tt 500 tt i help u all one...keep it... just take tt as my apologise fee,cos i got nothing i can give liao... the rest i can say is just sorry... think i realli hurt u...haiz...i still remember the times...u always like to say'cb u...' the time i realli hate they all 2...i cried n u were there for me to hug...everytime i talk stupid thing to u,u pay attention to listen to me with tt stupid face...once phone got msg u straight away fuck care me liao...most of the time is zhe...i felt happy for u,n sad for myself tt time...cos u got someone u love so much...keke...miss u,u know?tt feeling is like buddy,someone tt will be there for me...i was lost tt time...i hope tt u can hate me n leave me for good,mainly is becos zhe can be ensure tt i got nothing to do with u when he's in camp...secondly, i can really hate them...n dun pollute u tt kind heart...but now i feel stupid...i dun hate them,n i'm sorry,n if zhe wanna think anyhow then come confront me...dun trust his gf then wat for together...ya i now then know...i dun trust eve then y i be with her?onli one reason i gave myself tt time,cos i scared tt i lose her...now is so stupid,in fact i lose her...onli one thing not tt stupid ba... i'm happy cos both of them realli so loving...
Ah!!!! told myself to stop tt bloody emo-emo thing...y?cos i found the stupid plastic bag when i last saw her,she pass me tt thingy, wrap with the plastic bag...got her perfume...miss her...anyway the smell finally disappear...but if one day i smell it again i will remember...n no point go search, cos it's not from her...aiya...fat ass,u r always full of shit...but i still miss u so much...eve,miss u too...hope u realli get wat u wan now...n hope u realli go read tt msg i send u yesterday...n hope u realli can be at least a hi bye friend...i didn't expect much...same to u shi man...i dun dare to expect much...just tell me wat i did wrong...u said b4, a friend u thrown away u won't wan it back...so at least c me at the neighbourhood can at least smile n say hi...i'm so sorry to hurt u...
Emo-emo stop stop stop!!!come back to realiaty...just came home n kanna fuck by my grandma...same old story about my dog...n there she goes, start rapping...same old thing...say she wish to die...then i write to her loh... now u everyday clean clean clean, one day u will be die of tiredness... cb me right... think one day sure got retribution one...dunno la...better dun find another relationship, make another person sad onli...pui!! i where got so bad...say is say like tt la,but if she die then i stay where?siao bo...tt's one reason,i know how she feels la,but also must let me have time to think of a way ma... wan me sell tt 2 dogs, kill me also cannot...lan lan siao siao also must let me think of a way out...best possible way is keep in my grandma toilet loh...but after i work double come back i sure steam one...haiz...i still can steam...but she steam buay ki liao...she also nothing to ki...haiz... so decided liao loh...
Anyway dun ask me y i treat my grandma like tt,wan ask,ask my mum...ask how my grandma treat her...ask my grandpa,how she treat him, ask my sis,when grandpa die tt time wat she did? not say i hate her la, so long ago liao, just tt i dun like her la...everytime call me go over,she got something to tell me, she not enough breath to speak loud loud... then when i go over she ma chiam shouting over to another end of the parade square with the high pitch even superman cao ge also cannot reach one...ccb...this is call sound polution...can make a person easily du lan even with the smallest spark... i now can control abit la...but still need more training...haha ccb...suddenly alot of cock to tok...although my face still like jay chou,listening to his songs,showing a lan jiao bin,but thinking,his rap is better than my grandma neh?o_O"""
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Next week schedule out le... not as expected so good... erm... jia lat... but i will try to find more lobang... erm... hopefully can go up to 500 bucks...worst come to worst sunday also wack...dun care liao... as i need to follow up my plans... ask myself, the emo-emo thinggy should put to a stop first... i will wait... once my fate is near then i catch... no point rush... dun worry ok? now i wanna know is wat? wat i do wrong.... i sincerely wan to understand wat i did wrong, so i won't do it again... hope they can tell me... seriously if they realli cannot put down the grudge dun tell me, i really have to lan lan suck thumb loh, but i really wanna know... other than these my emo-emo topic can rest liao... have to face the battle coming up now... So, AM I READY?
Irene going back liao... yeah got my own room liao...have to do some changes to my room liao...found a very nice way to put my bed... the best for me now ba... dunno y last time nvr think of it... just move my bed can liao... erm...hehe then i can build my room again, hope my grandma can stay on for a few years more...
Life changes... sometime a human can change 180 degree in just one night... me changes just like tt...erm erm.... time to change blogskin liao... dun fit my feeling now le... erm erm... no time today, maybe tue ba, c i can be in time anot...tml,time to start...cya...
Haha had a good sleep last night... long time nvr sleep untill so shiok liao... neck so pain... haha... nvm, very soon i will have my own bed liao... erm... feel pretty happy today... but abit lonely, abit boring... felt tt farrer park abit of unfamiliar... so much memories here but all r gone... went to cleo pets... c sheena, wanna tok to her, but she busy with her things leh... so i talk to dogs loh... then as usual, kanna attack by the 'jian gou'... he always like tt one... bite my ear... haha naughty boy...
Did a experiment just now... go view all their profile... eve n yao rong la... try to c how i feel...erm... all the memories came back... c how loving they r... just like last time i n eve... eve become more beautiful le leh... hehe nvr notice this last time :P eh, i was thinking, if eve wanna patch back with me wat will i do? jer ask me this b4... since i already understand everything liao... erm... maybe yes maybe no la... have to understand her more loh... i ever love her b4 la, but now she change like wat i also dunno... wat is past is past, have to understand her from the start, whether should i accept... i say 'if' onli la... but i felt tt pretty impossible loh, i believe yao rong will bring more happiness to her n treasure her more than wat i can last time... n i guess eve is mature enough to think, someone tt care for her tt much cannot be found anywhere... unless changes happen la... but i will always wish them all the best... thinking back in the past... we were once happy, but now they maybe even happier ba... erm, i understand la... when thinking back, my loneliness feeling seems even heavier... haha how i wish i got someone to hug like last time, but i cannot be hugging anyone just like tt ma... have to choose also la... choose someone tt suits me most... hehe the eve i know dun realli suits me la... she suits someone else, n she have someone le, won't be lonely le, happy for her...
Walk around my neighbourhood... remember the memories with shi man n zhe... haha, wat if i saw them? erm, i will smile... cos i still treat them as friend la, but won't talk to them, unless they smile back to me... miss them...
Haiz... think hard, y ppl dun understand me? not becos i didn't say out my feelings, it's just tt how i feel i will say straight... but my emotion changes, so ppl is confused... n sometime i dun wanna let ppl know how i feel so i lie, so everything seems contradicting... learn new things again... seriously i felt tt i very childish leh... so late still mature untill like this onli... must talk to ppl more...
Y my life so dramatic ah? cos i make it so i guess... all my fault la... think next time will be more dramatic... c how... hahaha...
Friday, June 15, 2007
Tada!!! i'm back... how many things change le leh? ohoho... this ict hor.... onli 5 days... one sentence to describe," wait to rush, rush to wait..." but just becos of this ict... i really think through alot of things.... from monday... someone msg me... "our god is a forgiving god...." from then on i understand something super important... my heart goes crazy... finally felt tt i think through le... i will not be angry n sad so easy le... even yes it won't last very long... it won't torture me le.... thanx clarisse... just when i tot of i finally tot tt i truely understand le, last night saw someone in msn... this is just like a test for me... u will notice the last part i'm like talking about others fro yesterday's blog... ya loh... someone i love... till now onli eve can take over her... she told me a news.... a si bei fuck up news... i cry again.... nabei... i feel sad... but also happy for her... realli... n i also forgive her bf le la... wat will happen to them in the future? dunno... c how loh.... as long i can help i will help de....
Said b4... after ict is time to unleash my spirit... some sort of la... i feel my emotion is very stable le... i'm still human, i will feel happy, sad, angry, curious, frustrated... but i can easily c through loh... feel more relax le... now i know how i'm going to live n felt tt it's right leh... so should i pass it to others? think i should ba... try loh... i live with the thinking i will die anytime... any moment... wat's the point of living? of cos to be happy... how can i be happy? i wan to create a small heaven in earth... as large as possible... but now i c the heaven in me liao... all becos i know how to love le... slowly i will spread... hope i can do so... slowly... but my best... i give myself 100 full marks... so if next moment i just die like tt, at least i'm trying my best to do wat i wan... shouldn't this be the way? i dunno la... this is my way... n i will learn even more... i will carry on... n understand love...
I was ever being buried by hatred... almost kill me... make me worst than death... but now... i felt tt i had rebirth...
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Today book out loh... tml go in, then tech mob after tt happy hour, then end of my this fucking reservist... wat's wrong leh... seriously speaking hor, this time i as a NS men is mentally more shiong then NSF loh... who the hell says tt reservist very relax one... ya... relax in a very uncomfortable situation loh....early morning 5 o'clock wake up... work all the way till at night 10 plus 11... next morning same... when work comes must do quickly so hope can go back faster, finish one part liao, then call us wait... can one time wait for 3 hours one loh... knn... then know quite a few close friend... best thing is they not from my bunk but is signaller... stamford, kenny, jun qiang... we work together la... stamford is a teacher, pai kai teacher... haha... smoke somemore... i normally talk to him on, martial art, history, relationship, army all this... kenny ah... one thing onli... women, n most probably link to sex... fuck up... he's a salesman... jun qiang dun really understand him... he like blur blur like tt... haha quite happy la, but sometime very sian... haiz... everyone knows my situation, kenny keep on pshycoing me go find gals... teach me how to find, how to play gal... call me to join him as gal player... stupid... but heart got abit move.... so i go think... he's like a devil... teach me how to one time play alot of gals... stamford, someone which is more faithful to gals... but he now concentrate on the career... waiting for the gal he can c future with to come out loh... angel... one sit left one sit right... haiz... going crazy... should i become a playboy or wat... erm... i know tt someone like to pshyco me to be playboy long time ago, but now with a gal he love alot... probably... i hope so... haiz...
Still the same thing, i told tt guy, i will not be pshycoed... same till now... i take my body very seriously... like gal leh... somemore i understand tt i dun hate them le... instead i'm happy... i understand how to love le... i understand y she hates me so much le... understand...
This thing better dun say, wait she say i ka her jiao way again... one of my mistake... i should break with her long time ago... cos i dun love her all the way till tt night... am i too late? surely yes... my fault... tt's y she hates me... another reason is i'm too complicated... to let her understand my feelings... my mistake ba... haiz... sometime life realli sucks... so, i have to forgive wat she did to me... who call me so late then love her... all the way i'm lying to myself, scare if i really break with her, tt thing may happened again... keep lying to myself tt i love her... untill tt night i really love her liao...
Realli sucks like hell... alot of funny things happen this few years... y?!? i realli can't understand... onli thing i dun understand is y things r like tt... partially becos of me ba.... this should be the ans... haiz... aiya so my fianl choice is wait lor... best thing i can do le... if realli got fate i will find, if no, then i may be single forever... i dun mind la.... now i finally can say.... eve is the first gf tt i love in my life... at least i love b4 i die... no regrets ba... just tt i can't show her tt will spoilt the picture...
haiz...
A__, i long time nvr c u le... i miss u... just when the time comes n tell me i can stop crying tonight le, n u made me cried again... y u made this mistake? i always tot tt i will be someone better than him to take care of u... but now i dun think so ba... becos he is someone u probably will love forever... love by a angel like u... nvm... hope in the near future i can be a angel of urs... take care... love u too...
Monday, June 11, 2007
Haiz... i lost another friend le... no is 2... zhe n shi man trust eve n yao rong le... zhe should trust them long time ago la... just showing me i'm the victim but actually think he trust them ba... now, i dunno wat they tell shi man, she also trust them le... think she hates me le ba... nvm... it's better this way... at least she won't be in the middle...
Someone i really treasure... i guess she won't trust wat they say just like tt... but maybe zhe help them say things ba... dunno la... i can't guess... but i believe she still trust me abit... but i would rather her not trusting me... it's better for everyone... the money she wants i will pay... become 1200 liao... dunno y... she forget i gave her 200 tt time le ma? or she suddenly remember still got 200 can take from me... nvm, just take i really owe her i return her... before i finish giving, i will not change the name of my insurance tt is under eve's name, just in case i die of some stupid reason... tt's it ba...
After thinking for so long, i should forgive everything ba... no point living in hatred... even if i die also xin ku... i hate them last time is becos i love them too deep... but tt kind of love is different ba... love someone should let them happy isn't it? but the most i can do is like tt liao... own happiness in the end still need themselves to achieve... family needs money, friend needs money, have to return her tt money... possible... 1500 + 1200 + 1800 + 900=5400... by september to october possible? seems abit impossible... wahaha "LVYN yi chu shou, bian zhi you mei you" i can... since i say liao, i must definately do it... they most probably will say expected i can't do it, but most important is i fail myself... i can't fail myself anymore...
I guess i haven't finish finding the mistake i had done ba... one already say her heart already dies... another say she won't find back tt friendship anymore... no chance for me to find out straight from them... i will start a new relationship, a new bunch of friendship... i will c whether same thing will happen again... i must know wat i'm imperfect...
Eve, Yao rong, Zhe, Shi man... dun think i will c u all again, i'm really sorry for wat i did... the memories u all gave me will always be with me... time will nvr go back... i'm not sure whether i'm wrong or wat... i will find the answer... with my short left over life time... love u guys always...
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Ya it's my fault... everyday work n work nvr bring them down, nvr care for them... my fault... i didn't treasure her like wat i used to treasure her... my fault too... now everything comes back to me, i have to withheld this retribution... i shouldn't blame others.... becos all r my fault...
Haiz... been doing 5 double shift this week... by right can go up to 500 bucks this week... ok la... after spending so much i still got money left... haiz.... tired like dunno wat fuck... funny thing is like i sleep 2 yesterday then wake at 11 this morning i still can be so awake... seems tt my recovery skill n energy level has increase... good thing... haiz... tml going ict... 2 years zun zun... 2 years nvr wear tt stupid 'tree' shirt liao... c my schedule... wanna faint liao... got ippt got out field training... sian... nvm... it will be fine...
Dunno y, she still say i owe her money... say untill so clear liao... then she say the money zhe owe me will return to her... fine with me la... told zhe clearly liao, i nvr owe her a shit... he still wanna return to her n take it as return to me... fine up to u... disappointed with all of u... fuck it... do wat u wan... i remember i told u all b4... the money is i give u all one... i didn't expect u all to pay me back, but if u wan also can... but u think u wan to return her becos i owe her money then up to u... it's alright de, just abit disappointed with ur intellegence... dun care u all le la... i mean no time to care u all le... as a friend i think i have done enough, not say to ur point of view... it's my situation... me myself also cannot help myself le... dogs haven't sterillise, bill haven't pay... haiz... think everything plus together 5000+ also not enough... everything put u all first leh... my bill lawyer letter come liao i also hack care, ur bill come first... i this friend not good enough ah... haiz... i really nvr owe her... dunno la... so, u all take care urself ya... ting n jer, u all also take care ya... dunno wat i did issit enough to let u all feel better anot... but this is as far as i could reach liao... i really have to care for myself liao... after reservist, my spirit will be unleashed...
Bao bei, xiao lao po, tang xiao jie, n everyone in g/h, u all take care ya... i will be back... n very soon u all will c my result... hehe "LVYN yi chu, shui yu zheng feng..."
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Erm today off yesterday split... tml should be double... thursday also maybe can do double, friday double sat double... sunday off then monday going into khatib... erm... wat will happen neh? i predict the week i go in, alot of things will happen... erm... my family crisis finally starts... as i expected... but i have still not enough to prevent anything... but i work x2 hard to stop the problem n acheive my aim...
Erm... me n her... my bao bei... case close le la... dun wan go think le... u know, i'm no good at wooing gals... n after thinking back of the past, i know i'm no good at maintaining a relationship too... haiz... can't be good bf... keke yesterday when working, i was so boring... super low tide... nothing to do, n i still work at my 85% speed... wtf, in the end xiao lao po call us go split shift... fuck up... like tt 15 bucks gone... ccb... am i too commited to work? haiz... while working i was singing songs... sang cantonese song... not alot of ppl understand, so sing chinese... sang "yi qian nian yi hou" by jj... after tt sing "ai hen jian dan" by tao zhe... haha this song means alot... sing untill wanna cry liao... think carefully, if i really love her alot then she won't leave me n do this to me... onli 2 conclusion... i love myself more than i love her, i hurt her so much tt she wan me to die... erm... so dun start another relationship is the best ba, anyway do i have tt extra time to start another relationship? forget it ba... it's just the loneliness plus the hornyness tt making me think so... so cut off...
Living in pain for almost 3 months le... think this pain still will carry on ba... i will get use to it de... cry again this morning... worth nothing... my tears already worth nothing... to everyone ba, not onli her... have to be strong... have u hurt me enough? not enough, then just bring it on... all r expected... yesterday dreamt tt nobody trust me... shi man, ting, everybody... so my onli choice is to leave n go to another place... ah... dun care la... i'm still alone... i dun care liao... my family i have to save first... dun buy phone le... wait ba, wait for it to go lower... earn alot alot of money... !@#*&#
Remember long ago we watch a movie call advent children... she know i love tt alot, so everytime watch with me... the ending quote, dunno she remember anot... "Watashi wa hitori ja nai" keke... dun think she know wat it means now ba... if know must tag me orh... now i would say "watashi wa hitori ja"... hehe free come out drink coffee ba... free then say, hohoho...
