Thursday, September 27, 2007
Actually i'm still thinking... not anymore on right or wrong...it's wat's the punishment for...there is a law in the world,which will punish ppl if they r wrong,means they commit crime or offence...but wat if i did something tt is out of the reach of law?will there even be punishment?will my heart punish myself?is guiltiness a part of punishment?wat if i felt tt wat i did is correct?i won't have guilt anymore isn't it?then is there retribution?if there is y so many ppl escape law but still lives on happily?wat is realli righteous?if there is law,ppl r just afraid of law tt's y dun dare to commit crime...not deep from their heart knowing wat is right or wrong...so wat is right,wat is wrong...wat r the punishment?
There is right n wrong,best n worst in logic...there is no such things in art or emotion...art n emotion is very contridicting...when both logic n emotion mix together there will be a very strange conclusion...is there right or wrong?so if there is realli retribution or punishment for wat i have done,pls land it on me...just me alone...i am willing to accept it...
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Met some big problems...long time nvr update blog there must be a reason...either something very happy happened or something very sad happened...
I often ask myself,wat is right wat is wrong...when in studies,there's always right n wrong answers to question,when grow older,more n more difficult to know wat is right or wrong...law is the basic tt determines right or wrong...but there r alot of things tt is beyond law...often c movie when ppl r at court they swear for wat they say is truth...means the law is also a presence of god? so if in court i have not commited crime,i will go heaven?i just felt tt it's bullshit...isn't it?law is full of logic,i was once so interested in it...but found tt alot of things cannot be determined by logic...even i didn't study law,just becos of my borned logical sence,i can know wat to do to escape law...when i turned back my head,n i found tt i did so much things tt law can nvr place any guilt on me...but,it's i myself tt put the guilt on myself...i feel guilty for doing somethings...i can forgive n learn from mistake if the mistake is not too big,n i can repay it...till i made some mistakes,half a year ago,which i know i will nvr be able to repay...after sometime,i realise life stills goes on,so i was force to forgive myself...n will try my best not to make the same mistake...but,i did it again...i was so lost...n i even make a mistake tt half a year ago i felt tt it was totally wrong,n i hated the ppl tt inflicted the pain to me for quite sometime...yet i did it myself...partially is becos i'm too stubborn for admitting tt i lost to fate... i break my principle n throw away my pride...yet i still lost...i lost to fate,i lose my pride,i lose my principle...i even can't say tt i'm correct...i'm totally gone...the thinking in my mind is so complicated,i can't take a break for thinking about it,if not i have to spend even longer time to think through it...this is the crime of emotion...where law can nvr place any sentence on me,yet everyone will think tt i'm wrong,even myself...just felt tt i'm goner...
I was so troubled...ppl around me tt have faith in me,i'm totally nothing...i even disappoint myself...i try to escape,i try to get drunk,i try to work harder to forget about thinking it...i even lied to myself...just for a few days...i know i shouldn't,but it's too complicated...untill last night i finally give up...i need to face the problem...becos time is still moving...getting closer to the deadline...if the problem is something i can solve i will definately find a way to solve it,if not,i will change myself to make it not a problem...problem lies on my principle...i'm too concern about tt...a principle is a guideline to urself n also show a false image to others...since i break it,it's too stupid tt i say i will not break it again...i can say so,but tt principle is not there anymore...it's something i can throw away n forget about it...second is my feeling...i always think tt i may die anytime,noone knows when they will die,tt's y treasure every moment n every of ur love ones...it's right n it's wrong too...cos i DUNNO when i'm going to die...wat if i live till 100?n will the ppl i treasure n love,realli loves me?i put in so much effort n care to ppl around me wat did i get?this splits into 2 part...i must definately choose who should i treasure,second,i should make the person happy in a longer term way,cos he or she may not die tml...contridicting right?cos tt's the way i love eve n now this is wat's the ending...so i must let the ppl i love,choose wat they wan...cos sometimes they themselves know the best wat can make them happy...i dun blame eve,cos i was the one tt didn't wake up,n it's definately right for choosing wat she wans...human r selfish...wat to do...this is not a problem tt i can settle...it's onli waste of time thinking a way out...the onli way out is to accept the fact,n of cos,tt little bit of wishes after my anger n sadness had peace down...wish them all the best...
Gal, making choices is difficult n painful i know...alot of ppl knows,but u can't escape for life...since ur life is this way,then just accept it...tt choice u make,makes both of us painful,but it's ur choice,i know i can't do anything about it...i already escaped for a while,but can't escape for life...so pls,wake up n face the problem,i will try my best to make u even a little happier,even it's u wan me to disappear from ur life...ya,maybe u still wanna escape for awhile,it's ok...just be it...but pls hold on soon...dun give up on ur life,cos anything could happen,as long u r alive...trust me on this...
Princess,c u today,u look really happy,dun think it's my presence tt make u had tt smile on ur face now...go c dentist ah?haha u should,who call u eat urself so much...no matter wat,it's still brings me a little light for seeing ur smile...someone tt i onli can admire but can nvr get any closer...i dun deserve...i made my decision,i may call it evil now,but soon will be part of me tt i won't even think it's wrong...no,i mean there is nothing right or wrong as long i feels good...erm,so ur smile n ur naive is definately a good thing,cos it's makes me feels good...remember wat i told u,maybe u will meet the problem,maybe not...but if u meet it,come n find me,i may have tt little magic to make u smile again...know y i always call u princess?cos ur smile,have healing power,my heart is seriously injured,but ur smile....at least kill the pain for tt little moment...thanx,princess...
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
我会记得,你轻轻的亲亲...
Chapter LXXXVIII: Observing
Monday, September 17, 2007
Erm,after yesterday's lesson i decided to observe myself...first,c where my eyes move automatically...omg...somemore i know i shouldn't look at tt direction liao my eyes still stuck there...cb...no wonder la...no wonder i keep going back to the same point over n over...then i start to observe wat i imagine during the day...like day dream la...shit man,thinking of those things...keep controlling myself not to think in tt way n look at tt way...even kanna slam untill my supervisor ahjunan also cannot save himself tt time i still find tt chance...wa,my inner self is worst then cockroach,cannot die one...haiz... after work,went out with jin wei...was thinking loh...y like tt...n somemore i still go disturb someone tt i shouldn't disturb...how ah?confuse...remember felicia said something tt make me very zai yi one...erm...tsk tsk tsk...i will not get defeated so easily de...first i must know,tt part of me is part of me...i dun die,tt part won't die...same as anger,lust,all this...i must know how to blend with it...instead,like tt i know more about myself liao...tml off...go have a good think...i will,i must find the answer...
Of cos,while i'm observing myself,another part,i mean another part of me notice someone is observing me,not onli one...basically i work there sure will be observe,from the first day, i knew it,if not so many cameras for wat...but,ppl behind tt is observing,is planning something...erm....dun fuck care,just do my best in everything,i will...
Chapter LXXXVII: Stupidness
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Felt tt actually i'm god damn stupid...ya...learned so many things n forgot so many things...the way i do things r so stupid...i have no talent leh...should i say y i so stupid i didn't go use my talent...lazy?sounds like it...just plain stupid la...no matter emotionally or logically,i'm just stupid...letting my emotions,desire control me...work i can say i realli dun have the heart to do,tt's y i didn't go use my talent,somemore i felt like a condom,how would i take out my talent n effort?emotionally i already understand some facts...yet i still go do n think the opposite ways...stupid right?in the end think think think,then finally think to the same spot i had tot last time...going one big round n go to the same spot...analyse,it's becos my own emotions n desires...haiz...eat shit la...nvm,like wat i told princess,failure is everyday's business,dun make it a waste can liao...learn from mistakes...n,dun give up...ya,dun be a stupid ass n go back to this same spot again...nvr...
Since i understand this le,princess,i going to let go my hand le orh,remember...any problem come find me...i will fulfill my promise de...n other than tt...c fate ba...one hand can't clap de...
Chapter LXXXVI: Man of Value
Friday, September 14, 2007
"Don't be a man of success,be a man of value instead."
Albert Einstein
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This is wat my idol says...i still dun quite understand y he say this...should say more n more dun understand liao...i work so hard,learn so much...i have a certain value in working wise...but i just felt tt i am a condom...use to protect ppl from 'danger',use finish liao then throw away... seriously for wat...haiz,tt thinking of mine has mixture of emotions...tt's y sounds so fuck up...haiz...i haven't fully transform into robot yet ba...hoho...watever...
Chat with jer just now...he came over for ting's book...tot of just giving him tt book n go back...in the end stay there chat for dunno how long...haiz...watever...just chat la...makes me wonder,how much i have changed?or did i realli changed?he definately changes...although he insist on he nvr...watever...after the chat with him i realise some small things in me...erm...a weakness...have to do something about it...
Haiz...princess ah...y like tt...i dunno la...hope i can help u...the nearer i get to u, the more imaginations i have...shall stop it..eh abit lost...arghhh...as usual,2 sides of me starts thinking...wat should i do?ah,tired...i'm a person with such strong emotion,something tt is wrong?lost...have to rest...hey princess,tell u wat...no matter wat,dun die...i shall be the one tt is going to die early...not u...remember tt...
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Been having alot of illusion recently...when working,always felt tt like got ppl calling my name...i cannot dun react...cos normally i maybe correct...due to over anxious working environment, plus super not enough sleep,this kind of illusions is very normal... have to use my brain to differentiate wat is real n wat's not...some r very easy to recognise,example,one of my common illusion,moving object...do u ever c french fries crawling?hoho i seen it alot of times...even at this current working place...moving plate ah,dancing fork ah,all this is like can easily know tt it's illusion...but something like disappear check,this one is a total mystery...
Key in order for this table,a very special order,potato skin without bacon n change sauce to sour cream...i even go kitchen n double check to make sure this one can do b4 keying in...then i remembered clearly i clear the potato skin plate somemore...when i going to hand over n go for lunch tt time,then i found tt,the order is not in bill...first in mind of cos,did i key it on other table...check all dun have...second issit those who already gone?check all the tendered check,no one ordered potato skin today...if manager or supervisor void order i will still c it on the screen...where the hell it goes?if i nvr key in y the kitchen will give this order?if i key in where the hell the check go?onli one way to explain...my eyes got problem...the potato skin might be right in front of me,yet i can't c...although i'm confident of the sharpness of my eyes la,but this should be the onli explaination...too bad my lunch more important...hoho...
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"Ah, illusion...just as i'm going to give up...i heard someone called me... i didn't take the next step n look back...ya,it's an illusion...an illusion i made up myself,so i will not to give up hope...i turn around,n just when i gonna walk another step,i heard another person calling my name...i turn back,feel her sadness in her msg...r this sadness becos i wanna leave?or issit for someone else?i dunno...u dun wanna tell me...y can't human be more straight forward?or am i the one tt make myself thinks tt they r not straight forward?i,as someone so worthless,have no rights to judge ppl in this sense anymore...no rights,i onli can choose where i will go...even,i'm right,perhaps,it's realli too late this time...cos it's enough,i had enough of all this...i'm realli tired...my legs r shivering,my hand can't even bring up to touch u...my eyes can't c clearly where r u...my heart,feels like gonna stop any second...forget it,tt's all...wat i left now,is the strength to take the next step,a step into the darkness..."
"Before falling down tt cliff"
By: LVYN
Chapter LXXXIV: Multiple Entry
Saturday, September 8, 2007
GOD or DOG
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Remember in NS,my feeling is like i'm a dog to them...they treat us like dog...no freedom,no pride...especially BMT...but now at this work place...my feeling is like,they treat us like god...get force to do so...n found tt actually i can do so many things in such short time...when working tt time,i realli can't feel the time...call me take 5...if i dun look at the clock,i dunno how long i go...sad right?actually i guess i can do things faster,if i plan properly n take lotsa short cuts...at g/h i can be damn fast...but dunno y,at here...can't use 'i'm new here' as an excuse anymore...ah! i know liao...cos at g/h ppl always think i'm good...always think got any problem can find me,but here i like nothing,tt's y...haha it's my pride tt hold me back ba...haiz...actually being a dog also not tt bad ba...haha...
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Question & Answer
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Life is full of problem...erm,ever know tt the difference between genius n normals,genius always ask "y",just like a kid...tt's y scientists say the brain of kid n genius r alike...but even as normals,facing the problems in life,they will ask y...but the answer definately is different...how different leh,genius will get the answer tt will not be contradicting,will not have lope holes,although there will always be,but not as big as wat a normals will have...n have lotsa answer tt will connect to the first question,which will 'masssively' answer all the following questions tt will link to the first...this is wat i mean genius thinking...
i told huey,giving her alot of advice tt will definately solve her problems...although i already plan alot of ways tt will solve her problem due to her thinking...but she always say this,"it's easy to say but hard to do..."first,hard to do doesn't mean cannot do...second,all her problems onli lie with,whether she wan or dun wan...n i can foresee,tt's her true problem,i may help to explain,y she should do,but in the end,she's still her trigger to her life...
Often ask myself,do i have the answer to all this problems?if i have,there won't be problems anymore...i won't be this awake at night tt make me cannot sleep...huey always say,she already know the answer to her question,i dun think so loh...if she have,she won't be like me,can't sleep....there is something tt is stuck,we r stuck...not onli becos we dunno the answers,it's becos...we dunno the questions...so if one day u say u dunno wat's the answer,u r still not so bad,worst is,u dun even know the question u r going to ask urself...u may already know it,but u just dun wanna ask...remember tt Lvyn...
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Iphone
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U got heard b4 love in first sight?wahahahahahaha!!!!!!!niga,my new collegue told me this phone on transport just now...no memory card...8 gb memory...wtf...condemn...go search for fun....wa!!!!i love it loh...hoho...knnbccb...i was wondering wat phone i wanna change from half a year ago...actually confirm SE M600i liao...but now i c this phone is like,woho~~how ah?tml tell jin wei to help me find liao...get the price,i will save for it!!!!muahahaha!!!heard niga say is 2k+...shit...i shall consider...not say i can't save,it's whether worth it anot...wait buy liao 2 weeks spoil then i realli have to bang my cock liao...
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Peeping Tom
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Hey u know,there r more ppl than wat i expected tt is looking on this blog?wth...i didn't know tt loh...i purposely erase the link on my friendster profile just trying to not let ppl c this stupid scolding ppl blog...but there r ppl tt know this link b4 i erase it off from friendster...erm,not say not welcome ppl to read la...just shy shy...haha...nvm...all r welcome...i will not think of tt n keep updating my blog...anyway,wat does the title have to do with this entry?!?!
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HINT
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This is a hint to tt gal tt wanna know the answer...key word "dear"...this is wat i use to call my ex gf...n i dun wish to call my next gf this...cos,means alot to me,n i dun wanna make her think i'm calling my ex...but i still can't stop it from calling ppl i like with this loh!!! haha u must be thinking alot now right?sorry,dun think so complicated,the hint i give u here is very simple,cos love is simple~~~orhohohoho...
Now u know the question,but even u know the answer u won't wanna make the correct guess ba...wahahaha...
Chapter LXXXIII: Passer By
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Erm...ppl come n go in life...always got ppl ask,y ppl will part one day...this is the cycle for dunno how many donkey years...nvr change...nothing is consistent,changes r consistent...sounds cruel,seems sad...no matter how good u r now,u will definately leave each other one day...tt's for sure...but everyone hope the reason tt each one leaves is becos of death...dunno y i felt so...maybe i myself also wan so...but it's impossible...i pass by so many ppl...some may felt tt i leave a very deep foot print in their life,some r trying to erase it...i'm sorry,but i didn't notice...next time,i will try to walk lighter,so all of u will easily forget who i am ba...
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Been awhile didn't update...haiz...dunno wat to write...nothing special...back to work yesterday...tml off again...saw new photo in locker room...my manager varen have the same birthday as me...saw them celebrate de photo...erm...not much feelings la...just curious...something i should think long long time ago when i'm a kid but i didn't...y ppl take photos?u take alone maybe u wanna show how beautiful or handsome u r...becos when time pass,u may not be the same...maybe one day u die tt time u can put tt photo in front of ur coffin...i take myself,is for ppl tt wanna know how i look like now,have a better picture...
But y do ppl take together like the photo i saw?to show how happy they r...or how happy they were...when time passed,things may not be the same...u may leave the place,due to alot of reasons...by then,wat effect will the photo bring?the reason tt u leave will bring u different feelings n let u show different expression when u look back at those photos...tt's y,i start to think back,when is the last time i took photo with another person...ah,g/h...wear teddy bear suit take photo with beautiful babes...eh,dun count tt.....................i still remember...with her...someone tt is not very close but i'm trying to be closer...not much memories with her...b4 tt..............it's with him...sitting each on one side of the see saw...balancing ourselves...so when his gf take the photo,we r floating on it...we did it long ago which is my ex who took the photo...erm...b4 tt,ya,with her loh...which is dunno how many donkey years ago...those photos,bring me the most pain...ya...just like tt loh...now look back also not much feelings liao...
Ha,photos...it's a invention tt becos time nvr stop,things nvr consistent,tt's y take photo to let time stop at tt time,let things be consistence tt time,let feelings trap in a image...to let ppl remember clearly...wat did really happened,wat kind of feelings ppl have at tt very moment...but i know one thing,the more happy u r when u take the photo,most probably the more sad u will be after the party ends...so,dun take is better...my memory good enough to capture alot of things...dun need more things to let me c clearly,how stupid i am tt time...
