Chapter LVI: 私を理解していないで...
Sunday, July 29, 2007
"Don't understand me..."
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Just back from my drinking session...erm...today sleep till very late then wake up...tot of pampering myself once in awhile ma...go eat sushi...yeah!!! alone....haiz...nvm,getting use liao...also good la,haha...ya need to buy the card protector for my new work place...so go united square buy...haha then wanna go novena square eat ichiban boshi...er,my brain abit blur sia,long time nvr realli sleep so long liao,the best part is in my dreams i still dream i memorising the stupid table number...ccb...nvm reach novena square then think,y not i buy a few comic n go eat sushi,like tt more better right?then u turn go back united square...buy Tsubasa...haha a very good comic if u like CLAMP's comic...must c orh,then go back novena square...when reach ichiban boshi,then i remember,got one place around here is cheaper leh...ah!!!at united square!wtf...i go how many rounds liao...wanna faint liao...stupid,waste time...in the end did enjoy there la...after tt go walk walk,drink coffee,then go home...suddenly someone call me,bernard ng...eh? he seldom call me leh,wat's wrong...oh,he wanna meet me to go drink...haiz,he seldom call me out leh,somemore is go drinking...hehe maybe got something wanna intro me...hehe babes?wohoho...
Reach there,this place at upper thomson...call...TCSS...Talk Cock Sing Song...haha good name right?another noisy place...c him...alone...haiz...sian...just talk cock with him,then drink loh...u dun understand me ah?i am a super lousy drinker...think maybe too long nvr meet le ba...haha...drink 2 mug wanna vomit liao...haiz...headache...dun like drinking...then he treat,go eat prata also he treat...again,u dun understand me ah?i dun like ppl treat me like tt de...like i owe u like tt....nvm,next time treat u back...wa,treat him need lotsa money neh...after tt go home...chat with sayu...hehe my northland junior,stay below me onli...not here la,yishun...a guai guai gal...dreamt of her a few weeks ago...haha die...always like tt one...i despo la...haiz...then i start to think alot of things after i chat with her...
I wanna tell eve,she realli dun understand me...last time actually she understand me de...can say the most, out of all ppl...but in the end,she analyse things with short term fore sight,become dun understand liao...now she realli dun understand me...cos she confirm wat she feels n experience n then analyse is right...but u know,fire can make u warm,n also burn u out?water can carry u n also sink u?life there is alot of things tt u can't c it in it's original state de...of cos u must have faith,before u can tolerate the toughness of the short term torture la...haiz...dun say la,alot of ppl also dun understand me...they c me b4,they talk to me b4,but they would rather believe wat others say...just cannot have faith in me n urself...forget it,i always forgive it,becos human always have something stuck in their mind,often have to depend on fate to c whether they will think through it,i realli can't do much...i have too much to do,i can't do too much things to plan an encounterment for them to wake up...u r human,so do i...abit cruel,but this is earth,not heaven...when the time comes,when i have the abilities,i will once again try my best,to over turn the 'facts' in their mind...b4 i can do so,most probably they will think through...tt's y i leave those words behind..."i will be here"
Enough of it...seems tt i have enough already...time to do my stuff,er,to sleep too...tml working again...menu already can clearly memorise half liao,haha onli take me 10 mins,happy...n...i realli understand myself well enough,all my mood,my fatigue,my heart shake,there's reason behind,all link to,i'm just a normal human...so,if u one day felt tt u dun understand me,just ask me...think i can answer u ba...night...
Chapter LV: La CRUZ del ardor en la lluvia de Julio
Saturday, July 28, 2007
"Burning CROSS in the July rain"(Spanish)
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Anybody notice y the hell i'm down here writing blog neh?Friday midnight...a time for lots of ppl to go chiong...for me to chiong work...THEN Y THE FUCK I'M DOWN HERE!!!haiz...i do differently from my plan ya?today schedule,12pm-6pm at my day work place...7pm-4.30am at my midnight work place...haiz...i change my mind...i quit...ya since i quit i will say tt name out...Zouk...down there as bartender...locker also take liao...ccb...n i analyse it's the best to work both place,so....aiya alot of reason la...go read yesterday's entry...(as if anybody will read)but now...haiz...firstly,i have limit...i psycho myself till i'm like a robot...but till my heart shakes again at work place,i start to think...my timing got problem...erm...the prove tt i got limit is when i decided to quit tt time,i start to relax my brain...then i start to ah-chiu non-stop...reach home tt time already fever...slight la hor,dun worry...muscle start to ache,eyes start to blur...take a nap then feel better...haiz...then where the problem with my timing?first,adjusting the day n night life so frequently confirm will get sick easily...i dunno others la,but for me is like tt...then i will be very restless...second,at zouk there the music damn loud loh...frequently my ear will have funny sound...third,if i pack my time so pack,i won't have time for self study,since i finally pick up reading liao...fourth,i'm actually not tt tired,but i'm very sian...no life,boring...something is lost there...although now i also serve net listen music,but better than nothing...at least can find ppl to chat online...somemore now got a few more friends liao,wanna find ppl out also not difficult...fifth,ippt window closing soon...i have to do some training...my condition now,i really can't expect much,can pass very good liao...so if i fail,i should go for RT this time liao...so if i go RT,even more time wasted...so,i should make use of the time once again...self study now is very important to me,cos i gonna learn something important in future...haiz,must have the self disipline n determination la...if not,realli die liao...haiz..
Just now sitting on the floor n enjoy the music player's music on the street...take a rest for my eyes...erm,can feel a funny heat coming from inside me...how long i didn't sleep liao...erm...i do rest on my table la,but when is the last time i really sleep on my bed?around a week ba...n when is the last time i really rest n sleep peacefully?i dunno...haha can't remember leh...realli...cos doesn't matter la...cos i haven't die,so no need rest in peace...the day will come...haiz...the heat is burning me...n suddenly,the little droplets of rain came n cool me off,bit by bit...july rain,always so demoralizing...the fire had gone off again...time to rest,n think again about the confusion in me...i'm still so immature...rest,so i can go further,n further...actually i love my bed alot neh...hoho...
Chapter LIV: Mystyrious LIFE
A quiz given to me for 2 years...but i'm still unable to solve...i'm so lousy..read this blog...i call the writer 'LIFE',have a strong feeling tt this person is a female...make it female la...the clue i have,she is in my msn contacts...other than tt,i can't even confirm whether she's a male or female...how old is she,where i know her,how i know her,how close is she to me...all these cannot be confirm....onli left with this blog,which is specially for me,n she admit,she's in my msn contacts...who is she?after reading more than half of it,i know,she's a mature person around my age...n from the things she wrote,i can guess tt she is a female...from wat she wrote,she's taking a path pretty similar to me...very precise n clear analysation...she read my previous blog,n know some of my situations...a pretty smart person tt knows i will notice the time n date of her entry n have clue of where she's from...but made a very very small mistake...tt's y i know she's cautious on the time n date...putting the time in the sense of she's basically doing nothing at home or having off for tt 4 days...
Starting date is 29082005,ending date is 01092005...the ending date is a special date,alot of my friend should know...n there is onli 1 entry on tt date...like saying goodbye to me...overall,i can c a few points about her...1st,she's a caring person...2nd,she's not very close to me...3rd,she have a higher standard of english than me,much higher...4th,she has a very good standard of analysation,comparable to a guy...5th,a person like to ask y...6th,a person tt is very k po...tt's wat make her a clever person...7th,she lives in singapore...8th,she is a perfectionist...9th,she dun realli understand me on the surface...cos she dunno my weak point,lousy english n horrible curiosity...10th,she's afraid tt i know her,trying to leave as minimum clue as possible,so tt i won't know who is she...but not cautious enough...can say she maybe much mature than me tt time,but not to compare now...once she felt tt i'm digging more n more into her profile,n was scare of my aggressiveness,she disappeared....there must be a reason y she dun wan me to know who is she...i dunno...if i know,then i will know who is she liao...
I link her to my blog...anybody can know who is she,pls tell me...i give present...haha...2 years leh...i'm still guessing...my curiosity sucks...wat she written have pretty much meaning...abit luo suo,but there's meaning behind...realli wanna know her man...haiz...maybe a man...but i still wanna know...should be a quite a good friend ba...
N after reading so much,made me regret...i should read all her entries half a year ago...who call me so lazy to read...but now i pick up reading!hehe may help me in alot of ways ba...anyway,thanx alot...LIFE...
Chapter LIII: HORLOGE irréversible
Friday, July 27, 2007
Today first day for work at my new work place...i reach home this morning at 6 from my midnight job...shack...go sleep...tot of wake up earlier,but didn't...yesterday kanna slam like dunno wat...somemore in bar 5,a new place...so blur lor...then today still start work at 12...wa...shiok...was very tired,during break time nearly fall asleep...but after break,then awhile later come in a batch of ladies...hoho...can say the whole work place dun have beautiful gals la...got one,but philipines one...haiz...but a few gals there got the aura leh...meet up this 2 gals...cos i work at runner side ma, then they come in tt time,i was there folding things loh...hoho like fold napkin like tt... then they talk with me ah,start to get more energetic n more lame liao...haha make all of them laugh...so got a group of friends liao...but i know, next time i work together with them, i won't be working close with them,cos they old bird,sure will go on floor de...i dunno still need how long...haiz...this place got abit like scarlet...they whack ppl dun give face one...1st day work down there like dunno work for how long like tt,first 1 hour already expect me to memorize the table number...haha sounds easy man...
This restaurant total sitting pax is 550...twice of g/h...n their maximum when during expected days will go up to 800+...wtf...who can memorize all the table number in the first hour while u r doing other things...the captain onli tell me once loh...but within 3 hours already got ppl ask me i work how long liao...wtf...when i tell them 1st day,they look abit unbelievable loh...haha...untill those gals came,i already can memorize roughly the table numbers,most of the staff name,n most of the food condiment n names liao...but i still felt tt it's abit slow leh...haiz,tml take mrt tt time spend sometime to study the menu...so by tml should memorize all menu liao...
Yesterday midnight job give me locker liao...ah!!!i wanted to quit de loh...haiz...how?during break time i was calculating,if i work at the day job how much i can earn,if i put full everyday...maximum also 90+ hr so is around 2100+...so i still thinking whether i should quit midnight job...erm...then come home tt time calculate...think...i shouldn't loh...first,i put full at day job for everyday,they will have lost,they won't wan to put so much money on a part timer onli...erm...then wat if i lost this day job accidentally?siao liao...so dun put all eggs in one basket...but i cannot work too many places,cos of transport...must plan...this 2 place can link with one busstop which is quite near,so transport still not so scared...erm...then i add up all the hours tt i possibly do...97 hours,2400+...erm...just an estimation...like tt most probably will hang above 2000...will be safer....erm,but still have to look at the tips system how...tt one realli can earn alot...so now,beside when i'm on mrt,or waiting for mrt or bus,i can waste time...other than tt,not even a second i will waste...try la...so i can do things effectively....erm...
Today this 2 gals talking to me...one is amber,23,another is zi han,20....erm...both also not bad la...haha realli talkative....like working with them...can c time moving slowly...instead dun wan the time to go so fast...so can chat more...hehe...haiz...dun think too much le...work....always kanna stuck at this kind of situation....dunno for fuck...ok put it like tt,i'm there to work,talk cock to make things easier...about others emo thingy,just relax...if realli got feel then say...but my principle will not move...no matter wat...family,friends,career...cannot be touch...haiz...xin yang yang...dun care...faster sleep liao....if not,not enough time...time will not reverse de...must sacrifice all this time for money,not my personal entertainment...
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
怜惜,哀れみ,compasión,pitié....Recently i found alot of ppl tt worth my pity...erm...she ah,she ah,n tt she ah...haha dun say names...but nvm...think also alot of ppl pity me...wat to do?different thinking...society,family,relationship n of cos...my fault...sometimes wanna help also cannot...cos they dun wan...wat to do? go on loh...but...as wat i said...i will be here to do my best to help u all...just tt whether u trust me or u can let me trust u anot...so simple....till my time's up...
This person...i realli missed her,n disappointed with her...n of cos 怜惜 her...not someone i love,but onli 怜惜...
Lao po zai...i won't call u this anymore...i'm not working with u,i can't protect u as a lao gong zai anymore...i will call u like others...Kimmie Chan Yoke Yee... take care always...told u before,i will be here for u...remember...nightzzz...
Chapter LI: La lluvia inacabada de Julio,no congelará el CORAZON
Title: "Unfinished July rain,will not freeze my HEART"(Spainish)
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Muahaha...recently interested in spain also..hoho...one time can't learn so much la...french,jap,spain...nvm...slowly...haha...erm...this is the title for today...
Been raining recently...i was thinking loh...y always rain neh...news got say singapore getting hotter le wat...wtf...today no run also becos of rain...(wat a good reason...hoho)erm...it's cold...but i will still bath later...go for a orientation at my new work place...guess where?haha dun wanna say,find out urself...took me till 5 o'clock...onli can say i almost drunk when i came out...erm...they say will be very tough working there...so call me to put lesser schedule...of cos la...i still got other place...if i there put full...i think really cannot make it...cos another side is midnight shift...realli difficult to find another job to fit in...so if this side realli good then i have to quit the midnight job...dun have to care wat relationship with managment or friends...have to learn clever this time...
Haiz...c the rain...think back 11 years ago...i can remember man...then 1 year after tt?21st of july 1997...wow...i still can remember this well...all the things....arghh...too far away liao...headache again...ha...forget it...know tt time something realli happen...it's raining like this also...i... it's a miserable kid tt time man...but funny to have these kind of stupid thinking...then i changed within a night...till now the changes r still in my appearance...onli my sis notice ba...n maybe she will know...another person tt won't care...ah...i grow up liao...long way to go...erm...my heart was like frozen tt time...slowly defrost these years...haiz....emo-emo again loh....unfinished july rain,will not freeze my heart again...scarly,i meet her in my life again...wahaha think too much liao...impossible...
Chapter L: Roman Numerals
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Haha,didn't think of writing today...it's a off day man...make it a short one...when for interview today...n get the job...jin wei call me play game again...lucky nvr go,n go for interview instead...hoho...a job tt can let me chiong one...if allowed i will take 7 days a week,72 bucks a day,n i still have extra time to do self study...n the best thing is wat...there r tips...hoho...heard is 30-40 per day n if i do well n the guest r well,i may get hundred!!!hoho,think this is the way how they bluff ppl to join...no need to bluff,i need the job...if realli so good,think i quit another side liao...although the bar tender job get to know more gals...hoho...nvm...money come first...erm,did i work alot?my reputation on my resume seems good...everytime i go one place they say they r interested in hiring me...erm...ritz carlton,laviva...realli tt good meh?the best thing is,this 2 place said the same thing....from my appearance they felt tt i'm a tough worker...i know how to work...huh?!?this kind of things got looks de meh?ha,eve still say i dunno how to work,onli use her money....watever,maybe is the manager tt is bluffing me...i know how well i can work,n how good is my stamina...when i realli rest,i really can rest like nobody's business,but if i work,i will definately work hard n long...erm,abit sick liao...can feel the feverish feeling in me...recently the weather also funny funny...nvm,drink more water...think i can run soon...if tml ok,i'm going to run...for sure,everyone be the witness hor...if i nvr run call me up n fuck me...must run!!! haha...anyway hope rong recover...
Miss her again...not eve la,tt fat-ass...cos i saw her tt day on my way to work...y is she there?she also wanna be bar tender ah?scarly c her on wednesday...siao liao..haiz...fat-ass!!!use ur bloody ass n think la...haiz...y can u think of such unlogical things eh?think i realli can't do much...c fate ba...one day she realli will think it through...when the time come,i won't hesitate to fuck her upside down to wake her fucking mind up...haiz...maybe we can be like last time,maybe forever not...haiz...miss those days...wat to do?l-i-f-e---s-t-i-l-l---g-o-e-s---o-n................
Yeah.....work......soooo...happie....(so fake)haha tml going down to have orientation...then most probably wed or thurs start work at the new place...if wat they say all true,if i really working on floor can get so much tips,think i will earn more than 2k...can go up to 3k loh...cannot be la...haiz...got so good meh....try liao then say...nvm...my battle start again...dun think it's a relax place to work...sooner or later have to change shoe liao...haha...
Erm,about today title...chapter L...hehe my initial...i look at my blog...chapter 49=XXXXIX...erm,i like roman number actually,so i use la...but if my chapter goes to chapter 99 then how?Chapter XXXXXXXXXIX ah?wa...so long...unlogical loh...noone wan to write so long in ancient roman ba...guun do...so i check out...'L' stands for 50,'X' stands for 10,'V' stands for 5,'I' stands for 1....4,a number lesser than 5 is written like tt"IV"mean V(5)minus I(1)...then 9,a number less than 10,is "IX"...means X(10)minus I(1)... so,therefore 40 mean 50minus 10 la? written as XL(extra large,hehehe)...so 100 how to write?hundred is "C" means"centrum" in latin... so 90 is "XC". 99 is "XCIX"haha now i know...no need write so long...so i change my blog entry from 40 onwards liao...then i curious again... "999" how to write...guess wat..."CMXCIX"............wtf...still so long...who the hell create this kind of numbers one...anyway i dun think i can write 999 entry man...eh who knows....then i even got more curious...i wrote 999999 to translate to roman....in the end the internet translator goes crazy....haha lousy shit...cos tt internet is base on "M" is the largest indicator..."M" is a thousand...so 1 million means 1000 'M'...but stupid right?in Latin, u just need to put a line on top of a number,example a line on top of "V" means 5000...so 1 million how?a line on top of a "M"(aiya i dun have microsoft words,so i use small "m" to indicate the lined...)so 999,999...nine hundred n ninty nine thousand n nine hundred n ninty nine...is... "cmxcMxCMXCIX"...eh.....dunno how to explain...wat i can say...roman seldom c this big number ba...haiz...stupid...for wat i so curious n go count...haiz...nvm...learn new things...hehe...night...
Chapter XLIX: Reckoning of Will
Monday, July 23, 2007
Haha,finally got the time for my presario...think he had a good rest these few days...been working,midnight shift...long time haven't been working at these kind of timing...realli,can't fit in...the working environment dun suits me,the timing dun suits me...i'm not suitable for this job...this is wat i heard,when i was asking the new timer how they think of this job...haha ya me too...but becos of the money,i can almost suit any kind of job...as long dun call me to sell my body or do anything illegal can already...i can suit anything becos of money...
Basically i'm consider a bar tender there...but i'm actually a glass washer...first time in my life i broke so many glass in just tt few hours...cut my hand plenty of times...so?try to cover,dun let ppl know...hehe...i not purposely wat...the music there is god damn loud loh...n i'm standing beside the bloody sub-woofer...think it's a few times bigger than jin wei's...going deaf...the vibration is so much,tt u can c the water n the glasses dancing...i drop my glasses a few times becos of the vibrations...then can't actually hear wat others talking,n they cannot hear me too...so it's realli a troublesome thing to communicate...making me fed-up,but just try to control...n the corner i'm standing the first night is damn squeezy,ppl wanna use my basin have to squeeze in with me...the whole bar is possible to squeeze onli 12 person,where all of them can't even move or turn...but at most of the time there r more than 6 person squeezing there...ah!!! crazy...the place is damn dark,my onli light resource is the fucking light beside the basin,but the light also blink like the disco light,sometimes turn off,have to whack him up...haiz...the rubbish bin is beside me,everybody seems like throwing rubbish at me...got a few times i feel tissue paper throwing on my head n bounce into the bin...n noone is saying sorry,perhaps i can't hear...bottles r throwed in,n the shattered piece always fly out,cut my hand twice...arghhh....nvm...T_T...
Second night better,stay at bar A...they say more tough leh...but i dun think so,brighter there,more babes to c...n is further away from the sub-woofer,got space for me to dance somemore...haha...ok la,basically the ppl there r quite friendly...the supervisor seems to be ok,n from SHATEC too,the captain there is a encik,like csm age like tt...also quite friendly...willing to teach,n not angry when i have mistakes...erm...n the senior there also not bad...got 1 senior call kelvin lim,i call him information counter...haha,first day i go there saw him,he start to tell me which gal attach,which gal married,which gal lesbian,which gal got potential...haha without me asking...wtf...n i know,my teacher,Joan,is married...look like at least 25,but she say she's 20...noone believe man...but alright la...treat me quite good,but personality wise,i dun think i'm interested...then got one gal call xin ling,wow...this one is good...abit quiet,abit shy,but very caring...like irene la,i dun talk to her,she won't talk to me...but she try la...ask me how old,wat i'm doing all this...wasted...too noisy there...if got chance realli wanna chat with her...kelvin say she les leh...aghh,dunno la...cannot be friend meh...erm,she's beautiful,short hair,n like to smile...shy shy type....hehehe...also quite tall neh,slim slim one...hehe my type...hoho...was thinking...bloody hell,i'm there to work loh...arghh...dun anticipate,dun analyse,dun guess,dun imagine...but i still imagine...fuck up...
Ha, in the end i'm still a man...n i'm single...but since i'm a human,i have to control all my desire to a certain extend...now,work come first...there r plenty of gals around me....there r all type of ways tt i will know my next one...therefore just leave it first...work hard on my future...work like dog...everytime when i go for break,i realli wonders,y am i here,y r all these fatigue in me...cos i nvr study,i dun have a degree...watever...perhaps it's true...but i believe in knowledge,not certifications...i'm born a entrepreuner,so knowledge n skills r definately important to me...i think alot...when i come to one thing,for example,learning the drinks in bar,i put my 100% focus on it...no matter how tired,tt time i'm totally awake n fresh...but of cos,my energy will be wipe off bit by bit,i can stay full focus for 3-4 hours,then i will take a deep breath,relax my mind n focus again,last another 1-2 hours,n then again...till i going to give up...i will normally have a break...sitting down there,stare into the blank...wow,lost...i know i look like a idiot then,but i can hear someone telling me,"wa,cannot take it liao...i wanna go home...still got how long more to go,i can't make it liao..."i will straight away say,"fuck off" no matter how hard,how tough,i will go through it...haha till now i'm still surviving...as long i wan to,i may fail,but i will nvr give up...felt tt he is reckoning my will,but i will not let go...definately...
Haha,been raining in the midnight for the past few days...yesterday,after work,jin wei call me out again...wa lau,after work i almost fall dead,still wanna call me out...haiz,ok loh, eat breakfast with him ba...go my house there,he say he dun wanna walk too far,so he wanna go orchard c got things to eat anot...5 plus leh,hotel breakfast also haven't prepare yet...then he decided to go a place to eat...Changi Airport...wa!!!!he mad one la!!!rather drive so far then walk abit more...crazy fellow...nvm,i always so steady one...go there eat mac donald,cos i told him,i dun wan him to always treat me....make me pai seh...eat cheap la...then he start to pshyco me to play game with him...think he damn boring la...told him i quit playing game already...watch movie also quit liao,onli watch a few comic every week...but he insist loh...try to say a 6 year old boy also can play well the first time ah watever...okok,just play la...he gonna pay it for this,cos i realli left with no money already...go peninsular plaza...haiz...play c&c,3 games...first time i cannot make it,2nd time manage to win...3rd time i even win him in statistic neh...haha think i got talent la...come on,i'm a game player last time too...hehe...till the last part,we r searching the surviver on the map...think onli left with a small building,tt's y can't even c...so go search search....then i fell asleep...cb...i'm so tired loh...n it's boring to search for tt kind of small thing...knowing i will win for sure,so no excitement,tt's y...haiz...finally found it,spend less than 2 second to finish it off...yeah...go home go home....then he say he hungry,go eat again...hougang...wah....okok....eat liao go home,then he say wanna go jurong somemore...ah!!!i cannot already...ya i still can move on,but there's no point to make myself suffer loh...then he drive me home...finally,i can sleep...haiz....sleep 5 hours,force myself up again...got things to do la...but surprisingly,not tt tired though...erm...think it's time to sleep liao...i shouldn't have any human clock in me,i can sleep when i wan...to be flexible la,tml, got another interview...hope this one can suit my plan well...nights...
Chapter XLVIII: Rotting Apple(Part 10-Ah Pek & Ah Beng)
Friday, July 20, 2007
Haha,again...reach home at this time...Where did i go?i left home at ard 11+ i think...haha went out with jin wei la...now i know wat is 'dou feng'...sit his car untill i wanna vomit...haiz...today actually not much to say,i mean yesterday,cos i wake at 4pm...dunno wat to do,so bring bengo to pet shop,then go have some food then send resume,got a few i haven't send one...n found tt,alot of restaurants did exist,but dun have their personal website...so decide,maybe later go down personally to ask them whether they need ppl...must find a job first,if not i dunno eat wat liao...stress...
Then back to the night...first we go mustafa do some shopping...i mean he do some shopping...buy a few dvd...erm,he say he spend not enough,then go look for lighters...haha i know quite abit about lighters,so i help him choose loh...ah,choose a cheap n not bad looking one...then still not enough,then go buy some things for his car b4 leaving...haiz...dunno how he spend leh...-_-"then sit his car go blow wind...erm...start to have a thinking liao..nowadays hor,alot of ppl say i look like ah pek(old man) leh...the way i talk,more n more long winded liao...somemore i have a ah pek dog...ah pek like to have tt kind of dogs one...wild dogs...but all the while i give a impression of ah beng leh...(gangster)haha n jin wei look like a ah pek...toyota altis...he can have a better sports car or wat one...but y he use tt one?cos when speeding will be safer,plus go meet client look more mature...but inside hor,got alot of sound system,he speed tt time like to win other car...his car got add on alot of things one loh...although is legal,but still can win alot of cars tt is better one..his attitude is also like a ah beng...sometimes felt tt he dun realli know how to control his temper la...haiz...so outside i look like ah beng,he look like ah pek,inside is opposite...tt's y can click with him...haha...
We went all the way to east coast to eat....damn far loh...but he got car ma...haha...intro me to a restaurant,not bad la...then go east coast park sit down talk cock n drink water...perrier...wtf...then suddenly wanna go scarlet hotel...i last time work there...he wanna do some market research...erm,then i wanna go gallery...finally know where it is...eve work there b4...he work there b4...erm....ic look like tt one ah...then guess we go where?jurong bird park...wa!!!he siao one la...from center go east,then from east go center,then now wanna go west...wa....sit untill wanna vomite...open the window,then on the speaker damn loud...chao ah beng...go jurong there on top the hill...chat chat,then he fall asleep...haiz...then i one person sit there...like idiot...then think alot of things...
How i wish i got a car,got a gf like he have...i can bring her to this place n look at the scenery...hoho...realli nice...very high up there...the wind very good...hear him say,here alot of couple come here do things one...hehe,no la,i'm thinking of the serious thing....having the temptation to realli play around with gals...fuck care...just for the fun...dun realli have to put feelings...i maybe happier...but...it's not fair to others...dun talk about my past relationship fair anot...been trying to talk to her about it...alot of things i nvr do or think tt way,but she just say i did it,assume i think tt way...i nvr accuse her b4,but she think so...haiz...ya,seriously dun think it's possible to argue with her about this,n it's pointless also...difficult to find fairness in this relationship...but so?i know she realli put in alot,but did she know i nvr put in lesser for her?dun compare how much...cannot be measured...but y can she say cut off just like tt?after break off can totally have no feelings?how many times she's crying n hugging him?how many times i hugging my bolster n said sorry n cry till morning?i dun dare to guess,n it's pointless...gals realli ah,can just cut off all feelings over night?y can't i?i felt tt my way is more than reasonable,cos i'm human,maybe for 4 months so long is becos i'm emotionally weak,but i cannot be like her,just one night...not saying she's inhuman,i'm thinking,issit all gals r like tt?if realli all gals r like tt,should i put in so much for the next one?i dun mean i'm going to put to guys la,cb...totalli turn off,but y gals like tt ah?or should i learn to be so?haiz...i am who i am...for the next one,i will still put in all,but i know,if anything happened,i will not have this pain so long...now,i'm not sad,just curious...n abit lonely...erm...awhile can liao,let me be so emotional....
Ha,after all this,just wake tt guy up n go...he say very cold,going to sick liao....diaozzz?y nowadays ppl so easy sick ah?at g/h how many ppl sick,alot of my friends also sick,rong also sick liao...wtf...i so long nvr sick le leh...actually got...for alot of times plus very long...but i still work like normal,cos i dun work mean no money,dun work but got schedule will make my reputation drop,plus where i get money for doctor man...haiz...so even i'm sick i dun look like i'm sick anymore...haha...good...nowadays,cannot sleep more than 2 hours,if not very difficult to wake leh...use to it liao...if sleep more than 2 hours i dunno will sleep how many hours,like yesterday loh...sleep 12 hours...haha...anyway,my holiday consider finish liao...tonight working...hoho...need to find more jobs liao...my take home income must reach 2k,if not,won't die,but will be troublesome...erm...tired liao...rest ba...tonight,will be a busy night...
Aiya,should i cut my hair?n i'm so heaty,pimples out break...die liao...like tt very difficult for me to find mei mei leh...erm,should i cut...like mushroom liao...erm...sleep first then say,haha....now who's the ah beng,who's the ah pek...hoho...
Chapter XLVII Rotting Apple(Part 9)
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Erm~~~today very meaningful neh...y neh...i think alot of things right leh...last time just after tt case,i always kanna stuck...in g/h always no time to communicate n think...now...think in my room...door locked...but felt tt my brain think much further away from this 5-angle room...can say i always spend more time on thinking...y i nvr kanna the end of PPD n die leh?PPD can kill de leh...but i nvr leh...cos i got another gift,imagination...i think of the future...i know most probably won't happen after i imagine finish...but when i'm imagining,it's like will sure happen like tt...so happi...then think again...so this is wat i wan...then work hard for it loh...ya so easy,so simple,when things change i change my imagination again loh...erm...like tt also not bad de ma...the importance of day dream...haha...
Send bengo back to eve's house...haiz...everytime meet her sure quarrel de...dun wan le la...so give her bengo then faster go...go to the coffee shop we last time always go one...tok to the servers there...haha long time no c...everybody say i skinny liao...wa kao...if they were me, maybe they also...haha sit down have a coffee n food...haiz,alot of memories loh,close my eyes,open again,can remember all the table settings there...change alot...remember one person...Li Hui Ching...i call her ah ching la...from ipoh one...erm...a gal tt is my dream gal type also...haha...she ah...we always sit there talk cock de ma...she's gone...'ah ching eh,u know after u go,how many things happened ma?'haiz...she totally out of my life...think at australia now ba...maybe married liao also...haha...she's not young le...3 year older...how i wish we can be like the past,sit there when u after work,we just talk,no stress,nothing....just say wat we wan...haha...after tt walk the same route to 170 busstop...i always walk like tt after i send eve home...it's the last bus...then take 66 back home...
After awhile,eve called...wtf...huh?call me go back take back bengo...her mum dun wan...then i say it's their own fuck problem la...u dun wan then leave bengo on the street loh...fuck...then hang up...erm...aiya my heart so soft...call back...'ay u put him on the street already anot?i go back take now...'first...it's really not fair for him...i know,if i have him things will be much easier...they all 2 hor...100+100=200...they all is x...i can go crazy with 2,but one is much easier...so wat if eve say her mum also dun wan ebi...ha,it's ur own fuck problem...i give u the dog it's ur responsibility loh...since u wan...out of my problem liao...relationship onli bring u more weak points...now i cut so many liao...i'm not inhuman,i'm not machine...but for some situation,u need sacrifices to make things for others better...if my little sacrifices for bengo will make eve better,her mum better,my lonliness lesser,n more time n attention for bengo...think the sacrifices r alright...just like,my life for alot of ppl's life,maybe ok i think also...depends la...also tot of this,a difference between a conquror n king...one will think he have to change into a inhuman creature tt onli he can win...become no sense of feelings,no family,no friends,no lover,he can sacrifice any of these for his victory,his world...another will think,he need some sacrifices for other's benefits...as small sacrifices as possible for as big benefit as possible...some sacrifices he may feel pain,he may cry...but after wiping off he must make another cruel decision for the benefit...for himself first,cos he will share it with others as much as possible...so...who will think the first way,who will think the second one?hehe make a guess...
After tt,talk cock with eve...c her current situation...huh?she dun wanna become air stewardess liao...wanna become police...wtf!!!! shock the shit out of me...haha good luck ba...erm...think she mature enough to think...good luck ba...then stuck at bukit timah for more than an hour...no cab wanna take us...so sad...raining heavier somemore...bengo shiver like hell...he now my son liao...onli left...hug him,n console him...call cleo pets,sheena say no transport for today liao...wth...sian..how?then call jin wei to come down save me....lucky he nothing to do...wahaha...sit there wait dunno how long...he realli very cold n scare of cars...be brave boy...i'm here...finally he come...haiz...bengo drip saliva n vomit when he sit car leh...very troublesome...but...he's my son...then meet clarisse n jin wei for coffee,they all from g/h de leh...then go home rest...ah,a good news...my rotting apple episode only will reach part 10 liao...haha...friday go zouk work...yeah...remember bro call also...erm...dunno la...finally...things clear alot liao...go eat come back,eve got somethings to tell me...ask me alot of things la...dunno y...she goes back to the one 1 year plus ago...erm...good luck ba...erm...someone accuse me...having an affair with her when i'm with eve...got abit lost control...but immediately knows y...it's becos the memories...these r my treasure...actually doesn't matter anymore...but,dun wanna anyone to pollute it...but eve ah...u can believe her ma?i know the ans...but forget it...it's clear whether i have tt affair anot...so didn't bother liao...
Chat with qin just now...missed her...tell her wat i'm thinking around 2 years ago...erm...but make it clear,it's past...ya now still abit miss her...if she now break liao,then be with me can i accept?i will try to...but best not...dun wan to have weak point now...i can't realli strive up if i have this relationship,cos for my gf,my wife...nothing can exchange her...so as long i have a real gf now,i will get stuck,unless,she's willing to wait for me to complete my task,if not,dun waste each other's time...
Things seems to be ok liao...left with this sloth in me...erm...lazy...engine dun wanna start...slack too long liao...tml...i will start it...hehe ya,didn't run these few days...got reason hor...cos my right leg injured...if i realli force hor,realli pointless...maybe tml or sat ba...within this week...time's still running neh...not much time to waste actualli...night...
Chapter XLVI: Rotting Apple(Part 8)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Haha another day rotting...sian...ok la...bring bengo out,since it's the last day liao...haiz...hope she realli will give u all happiness ba...funny feeling right?putting the happiness of ur loved ones on other's hand...i....haiz...say wat also no use...cos alot of times i'm choiceless...n if i say wat i have to say,she,or they all will say i lying again...nvm it's fine...growing up,will realli make u have lesser friend liao...haha,somemore i choose this,even lesser...having lesser friend in another point of view is lesser weakness...lesser thing for me to care...ya...i'm blending in,all of u may think tt i'm a fucker,but remember the days...ting,remember then?wat happened?u dun even know when i refer to...but i still remember,ah nvm...i'm tt person...i nvr change...eve,u still remember tt night?which night neh?haha i'm just talking to myself...all these sweetness r true,all the while i still have the love,but in alot of different ways n angle tt u can't c...u r the closest,so u can c my change...it's just appearance,but my heart is still tt me...rong,u still remember those days?ah...think u still can clearly remembered...my heart didn't change also...shiman,can u remember those days?wat i said to u,i realli mean it...i didn't change...realli...zhe,i may lie in front of u about some stuffs,but i didn't lie to u,just forget to explain...often,we use our brains to interact,i enjoy it when i know there is another 'creature' tt thinks so much alike with me...in brain wise i improve also...we often learn from each other...keke,but my heart,u c my heart tt time,not my brain onli...i didn't change...i'm just blending in...i will come back to myself once i reach my target...trust me...n hope all of u guys,happy...take care...all my "friends"...
Come back...today go interview at Zouk for bartender post...hoho...most probably can...dunno la...find as many lobang as possible at this point of time...so at least can have some income b4 'it' starts...dunno will start anot also...haha...nvm...just be positive n work hard...
Meet clarisse after tt...go eat...she always cannot make up her mind on...dunno la...auntie...think she going to become les liao...haiz...die...not my problem also la...not interested...hehe...then go find a ah neh friend at little india...haha my buddy...although often dunno wat he talking...haha nvm...then go back home rest awhile...wa...today god damn hot...bengo last day liao...haiz...after tt,online chat with these 2 gal...wth...kanna niam keng like tt...haha sorry ah..everytime c them send a msg liao,i think already,then wanna reply tt time second msg coming...haiz,nvm...think they more talkative online then me...haha...but i realli apreciate their heart....thanx...
Know a friend kanna jail 3 years...y?dun say better,personal image...haiz...he got disease leh...english call PPD...PostPartum Depression...go check wat is these online...c the symptoms...haha 63.24% city ppl may have this disease... a depression...erm?no need c doctor also know...i have it...alot of ppl around me have it too...erm...my tt friend ah...have the disease yet same judgement...if one day i becos of the disease do something wrong n kanna charge,i will still face it,cos i choose not to c doctor...ppl having this problems often won't go c doctor one...cos need go woodbridge...actually i know i have this disease long time ago liao...but i dun care...i will use my own strength to fight it...eve remember ma?told u,b4 u go crazy,just leave me...i mean this...u got it too u know?guess u may know also...just let go wat ever it's in the past...things will be easier...this is one of the solution i found...cos of this disease,inner stress plus external stress...inner one,must eat medicine then can cure,external one,as long u no trust u will nvr be cure...i nvr c doc,so i must cure myself...b4 i realli did something god damn wrong...b4 ns tt time i already have this problem liao...ever since tt thing happened,i guess i got it already...compare to then,i'm doing much better after ns...till tt time,i start to lost hold,n when tt thing happened i lost it...gone fuck...now...back to normal...who knows when i will be gone again...n do something tt will nvr be recovered?first,dun hold ur grude,wat is past is past,like wat i said...(wrath)second,everbody have their gift when they r born,even the handicapped...make use of it...(sloth)third,everybody has needs,but how do u control it matters...use it properly...(lust)fourth,get enough is enough,somethings cannot get enough,dun force over ur ability...(greed)fifth,we r humans,we cry,we maybe useless at times,even for guys,let go of tt ego n rest...rest is the way to make u walk longer...(pride)sixth,somethings ppl have u may not have it...it's fine de...treasure wat u have instead thinking on how can u get it from him...
(envy)Last,everything has it's good n bad side...dun over do it...think n plan alone is good,too much u will onli get crazy...blaming urself is good in some sense,but not over do it...stress is good,dun over stress...(gluttony) 7 deadly sins written in the bible...but i know,as long as u know how to settle all these shit in ur heart,life will be much easier...u won't go hay wire like my friend...since everyone have the possiblity of having tt disease,in fact i can c all my "friends" have...so...take care ya...i can't help much...haiz...think everyone gonna fuck me up after i say this,but it's the fact ma...if u dun wanna kanna these,then go to the country side n live la,we r humans leh...haha...
Recently always say about god neh...think tt auntie influence me liao...but no matter how she psyhco i still a free thinker...cos,i cannot confirm there is god...but i always say,if there is,n i'm not interested whether there is anot...i trust myself...n my path...i'm just interested about the stories in the bible n stuffs....surprise she's still a christian after toking to me for so long...haha she's christian since young ma...haha,good for her ba...faithful gal...but too bad,i dun like les...
Chapter XLV: Rotting Apple(Part 7)
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Today is a sad n meaningful n dunno wat the fuck day...first,talk about tt matter...cos had a habit to read others blog b4 writing...this is the wtf matter...
Know my english onli up to 'o' level n onli d7...no need to go copy from the internet dictionary then paste in ur blog la...(i know u won't be stupid till copy from the book)haiz...purposely use my weak point to suan me right....nb...nvm...do i ever care for u anot?did i ever pamper u anot?
–verb (used without object)
7. to be concerned or solicitous; have thought or regard.
–verb (used with object)
1. to treat or gratify with extreme or excessive indulgence, kindness, or care.
First, i know very basically,u can't realli climb in this world if u will go mad after hearing some names... even can,u will often be not happy...this is the very basic i know... ever told u 2 years ago... ur temper will be ur greatest weak point... y i tell u this? dun i concern or had thought for u? from the day i meet u with jer,how many times i make u happy?knowing i eat tt thing will lao sai untill jia lat jia lat,but y i still eat?hoping my stupidness will at least exchange a smile from u...from the day we meet...till we r today...how many times u burst?how many ppl had already told u tt u r not correct?eileen,bao zhu,did they?jer may be abit wat at sometimes la,but did he told u tt u r wrong too?i dunno la,but even not,i will still stand firm...changing individual temper maybe hard,i've been through myself,not easy...everyone has temper,but wat take u so long?just do this,take a deep breath n ask y r u so pissed...becos of the past?keke wat is past is past...hatred can't solve a shit,onli make u painful...y not let go?u burst,anyone will give a damn?i'm sorried n afraid tt u will cry again...but i know...ting,u r not a small gal liao...can dun always be like tt?when i'm down,i may not realli helped u,when i'm up,i won't wan u to be down...u too,dun feel my tt,er-hum,'brotherly' love ma?haiz...fine,up to u...ade tt problem i'm sorried too,but i shouldn't be the one tt tells u right?n should i be the one tt be fucked by u?ur anger lies on y as a friend she nvr tell u her problem,correct?then should i be the one tt get those scoldings?dunno...n this matter,i should get scoldings,i should say sorry,but dun u think u very different from others?try saying anybody's name or anything u wan,c will i burst anot?u can call eve's name,or whoever tt i regret treasuring,or tell me wat they doing on bed...dun think i will burst,cos i imagine tt everyday n use it to control my grief n hatred.... wat is past is past... every body have things tt they mind ppl mentioning it or gossiping it... but wat does it matter? ppl scold my mother i also can laugh... does it matter? i speak her name or say any other thing tt is not pleasant to u,does it matter? seriously,if u r not like tt jer will do anything? i know ur stomach pain,but should i be the one tt care for u tt much where ur bf is down there?haiz...dunno la...pls give comment if u think i'm wrong...u wanna call me n fuck me also can,u wanna come find me n slap me also can...i dun mind if u wanna tell me i'm wrong,with a logical reason...n of cos i will say thank u to u...cos i know my mistake n i can change...this is wat i learn... think carefully,everybody tt cares ur feeling n pamper u... always dote u,avoiding wat u hate n giving wat u wan,issit realli fine anot? but if u realli pissed with me,if u realli wanna give up on our friendship.....erm...it's ok de...just hope tt u will be doing fine in the future...hope tt u n jer won't have tt kind of super big quarrel anymore...small one is fine la...haha...i truthfully,sincerely wish tt...u all to be happy...after knowing me for so long...u have good memories ba,u should know how a person am i...look back into those memories...when crisis land on u,wat am i doing?no need tell others...think urself...doesn't matter anybody say i act wei da or hyprocrite,this is it...this is my heart,my truth...think urself...no matter wat happened,my name is in ur contact list....(erm i hope so ba...)i will be there for u,till i'm gone...
Ah....talk about sad thing....ok get ready ur phone to call me n fuck me up...erm..........................i gave my dogs to my ex-gf,eve................... haiz...ya curse me,fuck me...watever....reason for giving them away...1st,i live in hdb,those 2 cannot be license...it's illegal...if they kanna caught,will be send to spca,n i will get fined...plus noone take them for 3 months,they will be killed...2nd,they bark n stinks,ppl r complaining liao...make me scare i will c police when i go home....3rd,i need to earn money for my family n myself n them...the hours i left,i can't bring them out often....4th,if my grandma pass away,where can they go?i know these problems long time ago,if u follow my blog la,but i fucking make tt mistake again...i didn't face the fact...ccb...cos i she bu de they all...i'm selfish...my fault again...they realli give me lots of memories...tt's the onli reason y i dun wan them to go...but just as i think i passed the god's test,i failed today...cos i didn't make the decision immediately...fuck right?but lucky i still make the decision...scared...everytime i think i'm strong n mature enough liao,i will kanna test de....got so many fucking coincidence ma?haiz...so scared...but i'm ok liao...bring it on...i have the self-esteem again...come on,u fucking cb...i dun scare...
Meaningfull neh...haha today learn alot from sheena too...alot from uncle david also...when the time is right liao,realli wanna find him to be my master....these r my masters...thanx alot...now still chatting with clarisse,she also inspire me man...life indeed a learning process...another point of view which i know,but didn't realli think of it too much on myself de...i always c on how others learn...didn't think it on myself...getting into so much problems,i learn le ba...haha thanx...tml,another day to move on le...sleep ba...
Chapter XLIV: Rotting Apple(Part 6)
Monday, July 16, 2007
Often wonders...is there realli god anot?if there is,seriously loh...from young god been pampering me...he always give me wat i wan...i wan rain,he give me rain,i wan sunshine,he give me sunshine...like telling me,no matter wat i choose,he will give me...but it's my choice,n not to regret...wat am i to him?i was ever lost,n think,wat type of gals i wan...seen alot of types of gals...sluts,bitches,good gal,fat gal,'motherly' gal...alot la...these kind of gals appear in my life when i ask,wat if i am with this kind of gal...funny...just like he knows wat i think...when i was thinking,give me a gal tt look abit bitchy bitchy de,but actually is opposite in personality,n is realli willing to commit to his bf de...knows how to fight,very clever till can challenge me de...single eye lid de,tall tall de,n mix blood de...of cos must be quite beautiful la...haha...guess who comes?think ppl reading this should know ba...i realli think like tt,n she realli comes...when i was too weak,n dunno wat to do tt time...i get a great fall...n alot of fall just come after tt...ya sometimes i felt tt i'm damn sway,but another point of view...this is the only way to let me stand up again....force me to the extreme with no other choice...n i will stand up again...spoon feeding me will not help me in anyway....not knowing how to treasure,he will let me lost ppl tt is ever most important to me...now,i regret,will they come back?a feeling is impossible,n in my heart also felt tt,come back liao also will not be so close as ever le...i onli wish one thing,pls help them like how u help me...pls...sometimes ppl need to get whack then will wake up one...just like me...now,i'm lost again,haha not in the sense which way i'm going,n is wat type of gals i wan for the rest of my life...erm...the criterial very funny...dun laugh orh...must know how to dance de,skinny,but abit bit more meat than her...not too tall like her,not too short like miss chandra...hehe...white white de...like her la...must be super faithful to me de...must be super willing to commit to me de,like her la...must know or at least very willing to learn the languages n dialects i know de...must be kind n totfull n patient...must be very soft(wen rou),but willing to bring out anything tt she felt tt i do wrong at tt very moment de...must be very crazy like me at times,but very sweet like me (-_-""")at times de...must treasure me de...must be very cute n cheerful at times,n very mature at times also de....another thing very important de...she cannot affect my 3 things...my career,my family n friends...therefore,there must be extreme trust n honesty...me,i will definately show trust n honesty...erm...this can say after so long,the most perfect gal i can think of liao ba...erm...of cos,the appearance must be....orh hohoho!!! tt one ah....haha...let's c...wat happened today...
Reach home at 6 plus this morning...nearly 8 then sleep...aiya,told myself dun sleep too much liao,in the end 12 then wake up...wake by jin wei somemore...call me out for lunch n kopi...then ok loh...meet up with him,then go for lunch at market,then go around n talk about g/h matter...he is the one tt intro me to g/h...haha indeed,there is alot of memories there in me ah...cannot finish talking about it de....but too bad,it's memories le...i know one day i will leave,but wat can i do?do i treasure the ppl there?ya,but dun think much of them treasure me...haha politics gao gao...most probably alot of ppl still dun trust me,some still lost,whether to trust me anot...but i heard from daddy say he heard ppl say i very innocent...for nothing kanna this kind of things...but,keke,think it's his way to comfort me ba...forget it...i try my best to help them le...n i will treasure this memories till i lost them...
Then after tt go sim lim...think i saw hui fen there...erm...dunno....then chat with him alot about using of money....cos i c the way he use money realli,make ppl envy n jealous...but i also worried for him...haha,he knows,n his new gf is controlling him like siao,but he already make it a habit liao...slowly loh....erm hope he has a good gf this time...cos,he is someone tt is very pure in relationship de,those who knows him well should know la...haha...haiz...one blink eye 2 years liao...down there go a few rounds,look a few things then go far east...sit down la kopi,then the real problem comes...
Was lost these few days on which way am i going,finally yesterday make a decision liao...finally got strong self esteem liao...very confident of my principle,my way,my memories...wat i can remember,all r true,my truth...noone can move them,this is my life...promise myself,going to use my brain n my heart,to continue this path,treasure n protect everything,till they vanish...so sure of this b4 i sleep yesterday...then when meet jin wei tt time,he tell me something...think tt is one of the main purpose y he find me...he is one of the person tt look highly on me...erm...he give me something,something i realli need,n wanted last time...but huge pressure will sure fall on me...do u have the self-esteem to take it?this is just like a question ask by god...keke again,in my life...of cos,i accept this challenge...i have confident in me...showing me alot of things after tt...go sight seeing...haha...ask him,how fast u going to go?he said,asap....haha hope this is a true opportunity,dun dua me again...but b4 tt i need a job ma...so ask him his company need ppl to peng ba gua anot...think have ba...haven't confirm...hehe the pay not bad leh...the faster i am the more i earn leh...if i can work at his speed for 8 hours,hohoho...think can get more than g/h work double everyday...hohoho...i wanna peng ba gua!!!tml maybe will meet him again for more,but need bring ebi go sterilise n bengo for vacination first...tu so long liao...finally....hoho...
I chosen this path...a path where few can realli survive n not giving up...i decide,like i say,a king won't have jokes...i mean it...i'm tired now...but,i will nvr lie down...i will move on n be strong,cos if i lie down,who can they lie on?i'm the last,youngest...whether i'm extra anot,i dun matter anymore...i'm given so much,just as i said the god pampers me...so all this tt was given,i will put it to good use,not to disappoint mum,sis,bro,dad,n one year ago tt 'her'...
Chapter XLIII: Rotting Apple(Part 5)
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I dreamt,she ask me:"wat is the most important thing to u..." dunno wat happened...can't remembered...i made her mad...everyone was around there,dunno y...aiya it's a dream la,how i know...i just felt tt her hatred is very horrible...can feel it just looking in her eyes...i forced a fake smile,n said:"i pity u tt,u realli knows nothing about me...the most important thing in my life had already gone...it's u,n all of u..."dunno wat happened after tt,realli havoc,then i wake up...this is a dream i had a few weeks ago,while i'm still working at g/h...y suddenly think about this?cos i had a same dream this morning,or yesterday morning,but my answer is so different...i said,"i pity u for knowing nothing...to me,nothing is not important..."but this time round noone's around...but very clearly,i can remember this part...haha funny dream ah?erm...seriously,nothing is not important to me,everything will vanish one day,but as long as i could,i will try my best to protect n treasure ba...my friends,my family,money,time,alot la...haiz...so how rotten is today...
Wake up at 11,go eat...hehe this time is prawn noodles...ah,memories again...fuck,just eat...nothing special this time...then go pet shop find sheena talk cock...actually got meet delvin de,but he last min say traffic jam,n he meeting his gf,so cancel loh...nvm la...next time ba...then go back pet shop stone for 3 hours...no la,tok cock with sheena...first time,someone point out so much mistakes in me,teach me,n i think alot...one of the subject is about self-esteem...am i confident of wat i'm doing anot...my principle,my way...seriously,i'm noone,i'm a newbie in the society,how can i be confident?thinking for dunno how long,cannot decide...n which path i'm taking,i also cannot decide...haiz...but the problems in front now,i in fact have some ideas on how i'm going to settle...trying my best la...
Then after tt,play with my dogs for awhile,then go bath,then go yishun...promise mum to go back eat de...sit inside sis room,watch Boa's mtv...haha long time nvr watch at this liao...still admire her alot...haha...after tt,9 plus meet ting n jer...sit there talk cock dunno how long...play abit of psp,then walk to maccafe...then sit at the play ground beside,wonder y i can like someone so much tt time...a person i dun realli understand her habits,ya,she's beautiful,n pretty sexy somemore...but tt one is appearance onli ma...wat i like is her character n her heart la...she's kind,soft,patient,n mature in someways la...realli loh...first time in my life tt i regretted not to break my principle,n it should be the last time liao...maybe ba,she's someone i can admire,but most probably won't have a good ending ba...dunno la...everything's too late...no point regretting...even a same scenario happen again,i will not break my principle,i will onli admire her...so no worries...things r clear...
Understand wat sheena say liao...n had chosen a path liao...becos of the past...ever not to make myself suffer so much,but yet love her,in the end was known as making use of her....not to tt extreme ba...erm...so after this lesson,i learn...loving ppl,means,do my best to make them happy...i will make any sacrifices to make them happy,onli condition is the sacrifices is fix to myself...no matter how much,no matter how tough...give them the best i could...so i decided,sleep lesser ba...a king,won't have such things as holidays...
Y i suddenly decide on tt path?becos i pissed someone off...think i lost another friend liao...think she hates me to death liao...i know i'm right...my mouth is mine...onli way to stop is to cut down my head...it's my freedom whether to speak of tt person anot...u can't stop me...i shall care for ur feelings,i shall pamper u...but not untill to this extend...i use my heart to know u,tt's y i tell u this,unless i use my brain to know u,then other way wise...so,since u feel damn fuck up,always have to be like tt,then forget it...must well i leave ur life...hope i didn't leave any unerasable foot prints in ur life...i'm also pissed,so i make a decision liao...tt's it...sleep awhile then wake up ba...haha total spend 1hr 40 mins to walk home from amk...tt's fast...haha...night night,erm i mean morning...
Chapter XLII: Rotting Apple(Part 4)
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Erm....wake up today at 2,then go for lunch....y issit chicken rice again...then go pet shop...took some photos...but no mood to up load....then come back home do some stuff,send some resume...then bring ebi to pet shop again,then bring bengo for a walk then come back...bath, then send resume again...after tt went for a jog...the total route would be for around 6 km...then half way fall out at 4 km...expected,cos i dunno how many donkey years nvr run liao...can run 4 km already good...got feeling wanna fall out at 1 km,but force untill 4 km tt time wan to vomit then i stop....haiz,bo bian...sunday promise myself run again...sunday i quite free...no nowadays i quite free....haiz...fuck up mood...y?y so fuck up?not much reason can spoil my mood la...
After my run,i go coffee shop drink coffee,expected to c someone,but nvr c...nvm loh,enjoy my drink,suddenly a strange feeling came...turn n i saw them all 4...the 4 person tt leave me...erm,wat should i do?smile loh...they like pretend nvr c me....watever...finish my drink then go home...long time nvr one day bath 2 time liao...good,shall keep it up...saw deena online then have a chat...then suddenly someone knock on my door...it's them...wtf...she say she wanna get back the comic...i say i haven't prepare finish leh...y suddenly come?argue abit...then i think,aiya fuck la...since she dun mind the trouble then ok loh...slowly one stack one stack bring for her...but she cannot come into my house...promise not to let them come into my house liao....alot of books missing...some books i bought one...then she ask me,tt time u got money to buy meh?wtf?for the past one year she realli think i'm using her money all the way ah?wtf.....ask shiman,y she didn't even explain to me,wat happened?she fuck me n say, now i'm here to take back her things,i'm not going to explain anythings ok...ccb...ok fine...i finally decide...this is wat i have...believe it anot up to all of u...i dun have to explain,although it's stupid to take a few comics from u while i return most to u n even the ones i bought myself...fine....i can be generous enough to do so...this i all i have,take it or leave it...up to u to decide...the 1200 is 1200...i can give u,not a problem...u think i dun have the capability to give u,fine...i'm going to transfer u....u take it or leave it...my account no. 030-43238-0...if u dun wan just give me back,although i dun think u r tt stupid....by oct i will return u everything...dun believe also up to u...tell u truely,i dun have the guilt tt i owe u the money AT ALL!!!but i just dun wan u to be sad...ebi n bengo u wan u take it,dun wan i got my own way....i dun hate u nor do i love u all anymore...i cut it off...dun care whether u think i just wanna look pitifull anot...up to u...from now on,i will go my way...u still wanna treat me as a friend,i dun have a problem...it's all up to u...fine?ok?happy?sactisfied?none of my problem...i gave u wat i have...cos i felt tt the love i ever put in n u dun feel it,it's my fault...n i dun care wat the fuck u all think...had enough of this already...this is all...ended...next time c me on street still wanna take me as a friend n call me or wat do so,i dun mind having a hi bye friend...but i know it's impossible...
Suddenly,jer call me after i shut the door...talk with him n show all my bu shuang-ness...fuck la...these ppl r not going to move my mood anymore...just remember c watever it's their's just collect n give back...dun fuck care liao...now looking at the comics...wtf...damn messy...tml really must settle it...fuck...my patient has already reach...so enough of it...after talking to jer...now i think...where the hell is the problem...for wat i think right?but i suddenly got a feeling tt something is wrong....after analysing everyone of them...their character...erm....it's regarding jer's question..."do u think u realli understand eve?" put me into this doubt...recall how i feel...it's really a question mark to me y shiman will turn 180 degrees...y zhe will do so....y rong will do so...erm....think carefully...i always felt tt rong is the smartest...but....erm....think carefully again....y do i have this thinking?remember one time,eve is playing chinese chess with me...letting go a horse a cannon a car becos of my experience...she will still lose...but higher chance of winning onli...but rong is beside her teaching her...n in fact i lose...i can win rong,but i nearly lose n i learn not to depend on my experience too much...tt's y i got this thinking tt rong is the smartest...remembered,when i play international chess with eve tt time...i just learn...she too...but y she still win me?becos tt time i dun have experience to relay on,tt's one of the reason...other than tt?she's smart....this is the ans...rong is a person tt take friendship very hard...i ever had a quarrel with him about eve...i wanted to say sorry,but i just hold my pride...eve told me tt he told her i ever said tt she stay at my house is just for me to fuck...this is wat eve told me...issit true?rong didn't confront me...rong is a person tt treasure friendship but will be very cb when the friendship ends...but he's not as petty as tt...so where's the problem?zhe is a person tt is smart n look smarter than how he is...has hidden high ego like jer,but the problem is eve n him know for long time...seriously,i always felt tt i know his character well,but i dun think so sometimes,cos he himself also in a lost...in this point of view,he definately will stand at eve side...shiman,i always felt tt she is the most unbright in them all...n very faithfull towards his bf...this is wat i c...or issit wrong?i dunno...so wat's the conclusion?seems all the love i put in to her,has all turn 180 degree in her mouth...recalling....how she do tt when i say i wanna break with her at the start of 3 months?alot of things she said...how she shivers when she go mad....how she comes back crying tt melt my heart tt time...wat she say when she's 'sleeping'....how she say she wanna revenge on her ex bf....remember one thing,she told me tt she's a much better drinker than me on our final break up...then tt night at ah di's house,she drink realli very little....came back tt time she's so drunk n said so many things...wtf...finally i saw the truth behind...alot of things went wrong...a clever web of lie...no one escape,no one tries...i'm the first to try...cos now i had already cut off everything...cos tt time i said she's the closest,standing behind me...n i mean it...so i can't c anything...now i realli know...good for her to leave me...if my analysation is false,it's also good...but i got confident tt it's true...how about them?they in it...n it's seems so late...a sentence,weak meat,strongs eat...this is the principle in this world,n love breaks it...onli can say whether the love is true n strong enough...i mean the person tt is showing it...i'm not tt strong tt time...but i have faith in u guys....take care man....becos of u all,i get stronger,n smarter....becos of u,i know how to love...thanx....bye...
A clever web of lie....i'm in it too...but now i'm out...n i myself knows how to throw tt web of lies...but becos of my conscious,it's obvious for ppl to break...erm...nvm...conclusion,having a smart gf is dangerous...critical point is how true her heart is...but it's still pretty dangerous,becos love itself will make ppl stupid...lost of logical sense...these ppl r prove,i'm the prove...so next time...find someone with true heart ba...good night...tml,it's gonna be bright...
Chapter XLI: Rotting Apple(Part 3)
Friday, July 13, 2007
Wa,today i realli rot....noone to meet...just walk around the neighbourhood...dunno y am i eating chicken rice everyday...from long time ago like tt liao...next life going to become chicken liao...haiz...lots of free time...so took extra care for my dogs...bring them out n play...but it's too early,so i bring one by one,if not they will go crazy...then bath for them somemore...n they seems to be more obedient...good loh...love them...keke...wat,not happy ah?haiz...think of tt stupid fat ass again...
Been searching the whole internet...looking for jobs...no rush but i have to make it fast,in order for my plan to go smooth...in the end my plans still have to adjust...not so jia lat la...minimal sacrifices...but when i find the next job,dunno will fit in my plans anot...becos of all this,makes me think even more detail on my next few months even up to a year's plan...cannot have any mistakes man...hopefully...haiz...Was chatting with clarisse n deena just now...then msg erlina also...haiz...damn boring...cos i'm looking up for all restaurants in singapore,then need to do research then send resume....sianz...tok alot with them...about my past relationship n problems i'm facing now...aiya seriously speaking not much of a problem for my past relationships la...friends come n go...although heartache,but tt's the fact...just regret...cos i could do better...but till the end,regret can't bring me anywhere,so i have to move on,yet,remember wat i have done...things basically done liao..wat i could do i have done liao,wat i haven't do i'm going to do it,n it should be very smooth if i follow my plans...like wat zhe says expect the unexpected...in this situation,in this time,nothing can say is unexpected ba...just pay up the money pay up the books,n just fuck off...since they dun wanna c me anymore,it's best i disappear...tt's the best i could do...i will just work hard for my career for now...ya lonely...free go take a glance of the gals online loh...glance onli then forget it...concentrate on work...i got alot of research n work to do...hope i can really cope with all this....
Was thinking...since i'm having a holiday which i always wans,y not i do something more useful then rotting down here?i got so much things to do actualli...wat date issit now...13 july liao...time coming realli soon...if i start training now can i reach it?dun tell me pass,i normally aims higher...at least a silver first ba...200 dollars y not?so,decided...tml night....n i'm cutting down on tt thingy also neh..keke...hope i could get the silver...at least another problem is behind my brain now...
Chapter XL: Rotting Apple(Part 2)
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Been awake at 9 today...say wanna meet erlina to go make her hair...wa damn tired...nvr work also so tired...haiz...this feeling is my emotion again...think alot last night...i still haven't receive the reply from shiman...disappointed again...a person realli can be condemn ah...how many chance i've been given?i dunno...either countless or dun have...dunno...emotion tired again...haiz...dun care,go find erlina...find her at heeren...first time meeting her out alone...dun meet her too much...ppl got bf de...dun wan the same old situation happen again...anyway,i'm just helping her about the work thing n explain how i kanna fired by g/h...
Basically i go toilet 3 times while i waiting there...took almost 3.5 hour ba...highlight onli oso so long...cos her hair damn long la...chat with her awhile,play game awhile...after tt go eat...can't decide wat to eat...walk all the way to far east,then tot of eating at tt restaurant...ade last time work there de...tt sushi tei,but close liao,now become korean restaurant...go there eat loh...quite ex actually...but got alot to eat...eat untill i cannot finish...been talking to her about her financial n relationship problem...financial wise i may not be able to do anything,but i can help her through my net work...relationship...haiz...she has the same problem tt most gals have...she say she didn't regret...but...i regret...haha she say it's my own problem...anyway she gets the ball anot?dunno...was thinking...haiz...heart shaking...not the right time...of cos i will definately hint...but i can observe the outcome...so i didn't do anything...of cos got the urge to try,but it's against my principle...vyn,dun overcome by ur loneliness...put my loneliness aside...look at her...ok de ma...erm...so wat?my principle still stands...put all my emo away...tell her my point of view...n onli one thing tt can solve the problem...have the heart tt eve have...then things will be ok liao...n if her bf realli treasure her...die also will wan her back...but it's risky la,cos most probably other guys will come aiming her...but of cos i explain the reason behind,to let her bf understand how important is her...n dun do tt kind of things...this is wat i think la...eh...dun think anyone who read this part will understand wat i mean ba...haha fuck care...
She also live yishun...alot of ppl i know live yishun sia...haha...she go home rest loh....yesterday sleep so little,promise will help her on her financial thingy de la...then i also go home...on computer...lie on bed then knock out....meeting kenny at 7...haha overslept...faster rush down...ah...the devil...ate kfc with him...wth...i wear untill like tt he wear untill like office man like tt...haha he just finish work...talk cock for very long la...he is the person tt possibly can help erlina de,but he also say very difficult...erm...just call him to help me look out...
Walk home again...today earlier...same path...same old thing in my mind... ................ ..............................emo thingy...suddenly think g/h problem...did i do the right thing?seriously speaking,even cheryl say it's right it's onli at her point of view...to her of cos right...but to me leh?i lost my job now...finding another one not tt difficult,but a good one tt can fit my critirial,difficult...g/h can consider the best liao...wat should i do?ebi n bengo...i realli made the wrong choice tt time to get them...realli...think back 2 years ago...the things in my room...if i was force to move out,i can do it within 3 hours confidently...but now?dunno take me how many days...where can i go?where can they go?even if i wanna leave singapore n work also impossible...how?i make the decision to have so little things 2 years ago is becos i know one day i have to leave,n i have to learn to be independent...eve must be thinking i'm saying rubbish...cos she's the one doing all the things...but i'm serious,even now i'm staying alone i still able to do everything myself...not a problem...getting used liao,cos last time i also having this kind of life,so i know i can do it de...been reading the things she wrote on my blog...again n again...showing tt i nvr love her b4...tt time,when i love her,r all those fake?to me it's real loh,even when i just like her tt time...wanted her to be happy...i dun love her enough...i'm really tt.......fuck up...as a friend,i also.......i failed man...i know...but reading those msg again n again...no matter how many ppl around me think i'm a ok person,thinking i would be a good lover,but getting hated by my ex gf n all the close friend around me to this extend...am i realli ok?i'm not a good guy,but i will try to be...i'm not a good bf,but i will try to be....i'm a fuck up friend,i will try to be good...i will....hold my principle tight,learn my lesson n remind myself everyday...nvr repeat these again...learn all these...i know one thing...all my love i showed to them...they dun feel it at all...especially eve...for tt year...realli dun feel it ah...tt's my heart u know?dun u remember anything?nothing at all ma?just felt tt i'm abusing u,just felt tt i'm ill treating u?tt's all ma?so for the pass one year u realli felt so?how i wish...still could call u tt.......'dear' u know?during tt year,u've always been my dearest?when u all leave me tt time i went crazy wanted to kill u all...in my dreams...repeat n repeat,but no matter which way,when i'm just going to kill u tt time,i stop...so painful...knowing tt year,all the things i do for u,u onli felt tt i'm acting,i'm making use of u...when i say i hate u,do u hear it from ur heart or from ur ears?definately ear ba,if not those msg would not exist,these things would not happen,i will nvr felt.........all these pain...
Seriously speaking,felt something's wrong...with the common sense of the ppl around me...pls dun say i arrogant n proud...i'm just saying my point of view...anyone reading on this blog...problem is....first,g/h matter...y would i,as a part timer,thinking of going into full time tt time,wants to backstab her?she's not outstanding,she's not performing well,she does not have potenital,even her attitude hasn't been right...if i wanna backstab her n get her out of g/h so i will have lesser obstacles,y i choose her?y not other new comers?cheryl n i analyse 5 potential new comers,y i dun choose any of them?unlogical right?even old timers have a few tt can be stab...y i wanna choose this gal?wat if i say,becos these rumour will affect cheryl n the g/h reputation,i'm just trying to help,does it sounds right?
Next,my matter...am i the one should be condemn?i denied so many things...but they still say i'm wrong...i'm trying to look at a more general point of view,they say i'm wrong,nvm,i try to look at their point of view...i admit some things tt i think i maybe wrong n change it into i'm wrong,but the rest they still say i'm wrong...trying to say my life,my principle,my watever r all bullshit,dun use mistake as the word...'unchangable mistakes'trying to say i'm worst then anything,living is just wasting the world's resource...so no matter how much i accept tt's my fault still not enough...onli way out it's death...but tt's my base line,i can't,cos tt definately not fair to my family...isn't it?do u agree,sis?so in the end if they still hold the grudge n wanna revenge on me,i've decide....do wat i can to protect my love ones...tt's wat left...in the end most probably i will fail n depress again...lossing all the love ones,beos of me...n tt time they will be laughing at me,when i finally kill myself...but i will still choose this path...this is the onli way...do my best...go all the way up...no choice liao...think i'm being abit mad liao...i'm just saying,may not be true...just msg her,asking how can i repay,rong say the onli way it's to return her the money n comics...n fuck off from their lives...ya,this is it...if tt's the onli way,of cos i can do it...i dun wan to make them upset anymore...if tt's the way i will definately do it...simple...
Ya,haven't say wat's their common sense problem...y am i still being stress n troubled by this matter?been how long liao?4 months coming up issn't it?y am i still like tt?y am i still crying?y i'm still writing on my blog about this matter everynight?y i still care for their feelings?if i'm acting,will i do so?if i didn't wan to treasure them will i still hope tt time goes back?anybody reading this,tell me by using ur analysation...tell me wat's the reason?i myself,not standing in my point of view analyse this...2 possibilities...first,they r wrong,n trying to push all these fault onto this boy,but this boy realli treasures everything,tt's y he's still like tt....second,this boy did things wrong...he didn't treasure untill everything is too late...but definately he's putting his pride n everything down begging for forgiveness n a chance to change...this r the possibilities...but most probably the second one,these guys hate him to this extend,means something's wrong with him...
Dunno la...talking about some personal problems of kenny's today...he also human,of cos got his problem...not to mention,but come to a topic of themometer n themoset...one is change by the environment,another is change the evironment...primary sch,miss chin already told the whole class this matter already...sure noone remember ba...haha...erm,example,when i go reservist tt time,i finish liao go eat dinner with stamford,then saw this gal at mac donald...not bad la...but i like kanna suck by her...cos army no gals ma... haha...like kenny now...his environment 90% all gals,his standard of chio bu is getting higher liao loh...somemore different ppl different taste...so i say,dun change ur standard becos of environment,sometimes cannot be stop la,but try...u fix ur own standard no matter on work,on gals or on anything...u set the standard...till u can easily reach it,then aim higher...tt's it...so my standard for my next gal will be sky high...not talking about appearance,of cos need also la,but seriously is character n personality...haha
Erm,title abit not suit for today...dun realli rot today...tml how?n how many days more?i'm so scare i write untill part 30 sia...
Chapter XXXIX: Rotting Apple(Part I)
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Today...is my first day jobless for the pass almost 3 months...realli...dunno wat to do...10 plus wake up liao...my poor Presario was singing the whole night...lucky he no throat,cannot sore...wake up use com...then sit untill ass pain,then go back sleep,then sleep untill neck pain then go use com again...repeat dunno how many times liao...then go down find sheena n david,then play need for speed carbon...i sucks at tt...then play untill du lan finally going to win tt time his x box hang...ccb...felt tt i realli born a sway kia...nvm...just a game...then go back home,repeat the same old thing again...
Then really buay da han liao then go novena again...i also dunno wanna go where...then c genki sushi...go eat loh...i one person eat realli quite affordable leh...haha...i still remember eat with eve b4...still remember where we sit n wat conversation we having...but it's at marina square there de...haiz...then msging clarisse n erlina...then decide to meet clarisse...yeah...finally can meet someone liao...hoho...but tt time 7+,wait untill 9 plus then met her...wtf...super gao tu...but she got her project to do ma...wat to do...nvm la...then chat untill 12 then we go home...chat with her alot of things...using my brains to talk to her...know alot of things i dunno de...then b4 she goes,she tell me not to think too much...be a simple human can liao...then i was thinking y i so complicated?y now i feel so stressful?erm...she take bus i walk home,then i use tt time to think....
Wat did i do?i realli hurt her feelings tt much ma?..................i should say yes...no matter how much i feel hurt,i still have to be responsible for the hurt she felt...cos i used to say 'i love u' to her...how can i repay her?is there a way?...........if there is pls tell me can?dun tell me,realli wan me to eat shit in front of her n go give car bang n give her all my insurance money?i can't,cos i still got my family...how can i repay her?...........i realli dunno...y i work so hard?firstly just to repay her the money she say i owe her...if tt can help i realli dun mind giving her...realli...i dun wan her to be angry,sad n filled with hatred...just be happy with wat she have now...treasure wat she have now...love him more than she ever love me...he deserve it more than me...pls...pls be happy...nvr be drown in the sea of hatred...i didn't get through it,cos i'm not tt kind of person...hope he n she isn't also...
Msg shiman just now...i still wanna know wat story i make up,n wat make her felt tt i lie to her...realli wanna know...can't even give me a chance to change ma?this is something no matter how hard i try i still cannot achieve de...unless she tell me...i will explain to her wat i remembered...pls tell me...haiz...clarisse ask me y i keep thinking about the past?my answer is becos i make a mistake...i shall remind myself everyday,not to make this mistake again in the future...cos time cannot turn back...if can i wanna go back 01012006...cos me how much life spend also nvm...i realli wanna change n repay my mistakes...
Heng,lucky today meet clarisse,if not i realli going to become rotten apple liao...tml how?muahaha meeting erlina...hoho finally got time liao...told clarisse on msn...wanna meet erlina worst then meet queen elizabeth...always busy de...then evening meeting kenny tan...talk about some business...k la,say the fact,nothing to hide...macao casino hiring f n b staff... giving out salary of 8000 macao money...kenny say is around 3000 sing...if it's non contract base,i can go there work 3 months then come back wat...i can tell eve to hold my debts till 3 months later i one lump sum give her...then 2nd sgt M i borrow from my mother 1k first return him,then come back return everything loh...9000+ leh...try to spend lesser over there then everything settle liao...maybe i will still encounter n learn somethings over there right?ideal hor?but how about ebi n bengo?i realli dunno sia...so must c how...can't carry out with these plan so easily...haiz...they onli intake 40 ppl...good lobang...dunno la,c how...tired liao...sleep first...today sleep alot sia...haha...my heart's tired le...good night...sing well tonight,Presario...
Chapter XXXVIII: UNCERTAIN MEMORIES
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Ask everyone a question...if one day u found tt all ur memories in ur brain r fake,how would u feel?this is wat i feel now...scared,hopeless...i used to trust my memories...i felt tt i got pretty outstanding memories...but now all seems to be fake...fuck up right?first of all,y r eve they all say i fuck up?say i be with her just to use her father money?i didn't really think so loh...i remember very clearly...y she say i with her i treat her like a dog,making her my free slave?i nvr tot of tt...y she say i owe her 1200,which i still can remember how she spend the money,when she's with me...she says about the ang bao money tt his dad gave him,she say i used it...which i can remember very clearly tt the money we used it together n most of it is she spend one?y she say i wanna break shiman n zhe off n make shiman my gf?n i still can remember very clearly i drawn my line fucking clear tt i will not do such things...n y shiman dun trust me n confirm tt i lie n make up story which i remember fucking clear tt she say if noone trust me in this world she will still trust me?n i recall n recall but i just can't recall i make up any story to HER...
I was always wondering,where is the fucking problem?then today something big happened...ya i am the cb...i backstabbed someone...actualli didn't intend to do so...but just for g/h sake...keke wat a lame reason right?someone spreading rumours in g/h...n she spread to me,n i remember fucking clearly,n i still can recall how she says it on the phone...ya,i feel guilty for backstabbing her...but i hope she could change n dun do this again...tt's my intention...even worst come to worst she kanna fired,i still can stop this rubbish from going all around...but she die also dun admit,n say i'm the one tt spread rumours...confirm i didn't...i remember very clearly...she even says does she have to swear anot...this makes me think...am i the wrong one or is she the wrong one?dun say about i backstab her,say about the fact...she even cried...so...wat if i remembered wrongly?all this r my fault...cheryl give us a chance...if we dun admit,then she will do something...n of cos i know wat thing...prepared liao...so i die also dun admit...i trust myself...so i take off my tie n go...change liao cheryl call me come up...say it's still not too late...wtf...i was thinking,maybe i admit i lie we both can stay...so at least there will be time to change her...but she say wat if even i admit we both still have to go?so?wan me to say the truth right?wat's the truth?i NVR SPREAD THIS FUCKING RUMOUR...she is lying...but still i goes...i dunno she going by when,doesn't matter...i asked cheryl,am i right to backstab her n tell the truth?she say yes,i'm right...then y the fuck i land up here?i realli dunno...if i'm wrong then no matter wat happen i will not tell my superior this kind of things liao...it's their own fuck problem...but y she say i'm right?so,she also thinks tt i say the lie?Y?even elly dun trust me?noone trust me there?then for wat fuck i care for them till this extend?n y the fuck cheryl say i'm right?ok i understand cheryl situation,she fire both of us is of cos,but y is she saying tt i'm right?n y tt gal is not admitting anything?she dun have the heart issit?fuck....onli one conclusion tt will solve everything...from long ago,all my memories r fake...illusion...y can't i remember i have the intention of make using eve?y i can't remember i wanna take away shiman from zhe?y i cannot remember i owe eve the money?y can't i remember tt i make up any story to shiman?y?y can't i remember i told tt gal all the rumours n i onli can remember tt she told me all this?arghhh....ccb...all this r my uncertain memories...no,totally not my memories...so wat i'm having in my head now r all lies?
I'm cb enough to make use of eve's father money,take her as a slave,using all her money like a blood sucker,trying to take shiman away from zhe to make her my gf,n i spread all these rumour to tt gal?so i'm the fucker la?wtf now...so is this the truth?i realli hope tt someone will tell me tt all these r not real...i'm breaking down...i can't even trust myself now...i'm tt fucker tt for nothing backstab tt gal...is this wat u mean?I was so fucking demoralise...lost my soul...went to esplanade there watch sea....wanted to take a photo back but hp low batt...ccb...ya,wat eve say in friendster should be correct...i can't succeed...i'm just a useless fuck...i was thinking...if i have no family wat will i do?call her come my house,call her to take wat ever she wans,n say wat can i do to repay her?want me to eat shit also can,in the end i will go to little india there n walk across the fucking road,so all the insurance money will be hers...i got nothing liao...wanna take wat from me take...i dun fuck care...die liao no need think so much...this is wat i think when i look at the so call sea...wa,y here become like tt...not like last time...i was with eve here ever once...love the sky...also miss the sea side at coasta sand...it's stupid to go there alone man...erm...these memories...
Fuck u...i confirm all these r real...i can remember fucking clear...wat i wear tt day,wat she wear tt day...how we walk,how early it is,y we at coasta sand,becos of wat we sit at the beach kanna bite by mosquitos...i remember very very clear...these r not illusions...ccb,u wan me to lost trust on myself?fuck u la...all these memories r true...i took out the paper of morning ala carte condiments...i seen it once,n i can remember the whole paper,how many paper r there wat is written n drawn on it....which one is i wrote,which one is cheryl wrote...pulling out all my memories...i remember clearly,all r the same from my memories when i look at the paper...think back...how she tell me all the rumours...i can remember very clearly...then bring out all my memories of eve...i can remember,even how i first meet her,how she dress when she first come to my house,i can remember how i know yao rong...when is the first time i saw him...5 years back...zhe,when is the first time i saw him,wat i wear n wat he wears,shiman when i first saw her,wat happened all these while...i all can remember fucking clearly...alot of things i can't pull out cos it's something tt is not important...but there is 7 person in my life i can remember very clearly...eve,yao rong,zhe,shiman,ting,jer,and ade...how i know them,wat happen all the while i can remember fucking clearly...tt's the problem y i get so upset...becos of all these fucking memories,shake also cannot shake off...these r my sin,my retribution is how i missed them now...so u wan me to deny all these memories?haha i wan to,but i can't...
So let analyse wat went wrong...a big big problem with my personality...how i express myself,n how i reach the target tt is righteous to me...first,y she say i wanna use her dad's money tt's y i'm with her...i remember clearly,i told yao rong this...'everybody wanna aim her dad's money,including me...'c? the big problem's here...ya i said this...but wat's my intention?eve cried b4 me n say she upset her dad...her dad must be thinking tt she dunno how to think...so how?in her family onli her 2nd sis is possible of taking the business...but she not tt kind of good person...so at least eve take over her dad's business so her dad will definately felt tt she is capable n will be happy...firstly,her dad will be happy...second she will be capable enough if she can maintain tt business...third,we no need realli care about wat we r going to eat everyday...i dunno wat i will get,i onli aiming a job in the company tt's good enough...i didn't want more...told myself alot of times,her family money is her's,i didn't want to be with her just for her dad's money...this is my intention,but from the way i say it n the way i do it,will anybody trust?keke...very well...
Second,i used her as a slave?i admit it when i had given out scarlet...she should have seen how weak i am tt time...dun tell me she dunno how i feel tt time...other than tt?told her, if she dun wanna wash the clothes just leave it, i will wash sooner or later...but she say no clothes liao...then just wash some of hers first loh...i still have ma...of cos she will wash all...ah my fault again...fuck...the room's dirty,nvm la,i will clean up de...anyway i clean up liao later also messy...y?cos she like to throw her things all around...if u felt tt i'm making use of u then tell me la...just tell me right infront...scold me untill i clear my mind...have to wait till we breaking up then say ma?so in future i will find a fierce gf...i do wrong onli just fuck me right in front of me...dun avoid cos scare we quarrel...ah this problem i realli have my fault la...dun push,i should be more ti tie n xi xing...
Third,say i use the money?i borrowed more than 400 bucks from bernard becos of u, u know?suddenly got money,i say pick it up from the floor u believe ah?ha...fine...i realli dun wanna say all the love tt i gave u loh...i nvr k gao one...cos i always felt tt i nvr love u enough...from my studies,my career,u know it best ba...i nvr regret loving u...lets talk about the 600 ang bao money...we put in money,u put 100 i put 70...ya u put more... so in the end i still can remember the number very nice...777...200+ goes to the ipod...which when u wan tt time i just say ok loh go buy...not say i not heart pain leh...cos not my money...but i take it as our money...we r going to work hard to put in more money...i still can remember how happy u r...how u kissed me...hehe...sweet memories ya?left around 500+then u remember ur tt 4 bra tt cos 400+?left 100+...wait,ur mum got give u 300 right?then put into my account...400+ the rest we use slowly untill we left with less than 200...then u wanna buy ebi...ya...i can say i also wanna buy...we went to spca,pasir ris dog farm...finally found ebi...so desparate for it...we make so many lies to find the money...untill the end my mom n sis borrow loh...600...ebi 650...so how much we left?the most 100+...c?how we use the ang bao money?haha...this is the past le...i still remember y i so scared u use the money tt's y i control u...150 in 2 days u left with 20 bucks...c liao also scared...remember ma?dun think so...but i trust my memories...
Fourth,eve say i wanna make shiman my gf...fuck la...be more confident,u better than her...haha...both got good points la...but i already make it clear liao...i treat her like my bro...love her,still remember how she explain y i treat her so good...cos i no small brother ma...tt's y...then now u say i got tt kind of feelings for u?up to u...my principle stands,anyone with bf i will not think of making her my gf...cos,i know how pain it is,i pity tt guy,n i won't not love anyone tt is not faithful to their bf...no matter how fuck up tt bf is,u break liao then say...after sometime then u think carefully...whether u still love him anot...then we spend more time to understand each other then say...eve u r not wrong la...but u really didn't think of my feelings n go straight with him loh...tt's y u make my balls so pain...nvm,it's ok de...
Fifth...fuck u la...i know y u didn't admit...cos,u don't dare to face ur failure...i lie b4 also...without exact prove i won't admit de...but tt was when my age is onli single digit...dun be childish...i did so many wrong things,i hurt so many ppl....although take me time...but i face my failure...i face the fact...n i'm willing to let my next relationship knows how fuck up i am to my ex gf...nvm if they even meet...if my next gf knows liao dun wanna be with me,fine,i accept it...i'm changing,if u dun wanna give me chance it's fine...i deserve it...change the way i express things...change my style of doing things...i fail n fail,but i will still carry on n get braver...
The sin i've done will nvr be able to repay,unless she accepts...but too bad,dun think it's possible...so sorry...but i still have to move on...as wat i say,i will let everyone knows how i treat u...no problem...i'm so sorry not to treasure u...but i can't die now...n whether i would succeed i also dunno,i will keep on trying...untill my times up...nothing to worry,i'm still living my life to the fullest...
Erm say i will try n try again...but i realli very tired...pulling so much memories out...realli,my memories got limit....alot of things i also cannot remember liao...so tired...let me rest a few days ba...take it as holiday...these few days eat finger can liao...so lonely...haha...
