Chapter CXVII: Body,heart,faith...
Monday, April 28, 2008
Yesh!!! finally move a step out....push myself to limit....my 'T' vein also all come out le...when for a run... my determination is so strong orh... today sunday,alot of 'undead' below...also take them as transparent...just run n run...onli bring my key down...grab my key damn tight,cos not enough breath...when reaching destination then i sprint,for ard 100 metre ba...feel like vomitting...wanna faint...then do some chin up n push up n call it a day...
Come home also very xin ku...go bath,my face like turn grey sia...my body still ok...so horrible...realli long time nvr maintain le...tuesday come again...i must move on...this is onli the first step...
Was thinking alot just now...about my failure last time...i talk too much,i think too much,i love too much...love too much tt's y i scare lost,then more i scare,the lesser security i have...in the end i get nothing n lost everything i treasure...dear pls dun mind...i realli talk too much,too much things i shouldn't say,but i just wanna say wat i think,i feel...i dun wanna keep things away...somethings i can tell my parents but i can't tell my friend,which is little...somethings i can tell my friends,but can't tell my parents...somethings i can tell my lover but i can't tell my friends,there's alot,somethings i can tell my lover but not my parents,which is also alot...u can say i chee hong or wat...but my lover i always put as first place...there is very very little things i can't tell my lover...realli,even there is,is something even tell le also not big deal...really...
Eve,there is onli one thing i keep away from u...tt i remember la,i dun remember one is realli nothing big deal...is tt i told my parents tt u r a mix blood...seriously...not on purpose,just a slip of mouth...but now it's all history...nothing important...n for dear,i can't realli remember wat i kept from u...realli nothing ba...onli when boring i go c gals friendster loh...friends la...just concern...boring ma...hope u dun angry...other than tt...i will tell u personally...
I'm thinking...i with someone i love,but she do anything i also dunno...bernard say if u love someone then u trust someone...which i feel pretty ridiculous...especially when i saw ppl with tt kind of evil in them...i dun understand how he put tt in him...he say when they quarrel he will still cry,but how can he trust her to tt extend...i dun understand...realli dun...at least the sense of security must be there loh...perhaps is me ba...haiz...i will still try hard...dear,i will jia you de...n isn't it a good thing tt i jealous when u r close to other guys?haiz...
I love u...i wan ur heart n ur body...i dun wan ur heart onli...i dun wan ur body onli...if i can't have both i would rather dun wan...i wan to know all ur secret...i will let u know all my secret...i wan ur everything even in the past n future...but doesn't seems possible...so at least ur everything from the time we r together...till we leave this world...i wan ur body,heart n ur faith...
Chapter CXVI: Correct Question
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Q: Hey, why do human keep repeating their mistakes?
A: Of cos,not becos of bad memory,it's becos,there's evilness in everyone...greediness, getting one n u wan more,nvr satisfied,this is human...should change a point of view,treasure wat u have while u have the chance...no matter how,it's a good thing to be greedy,if not,u will onli be feeding urself n nothing much gonna happen in life,must well u die...certain amount of evil will make life full of colour...
Wtf i'm doing...=_=" bo liao to the extreme...k time to move on...just waiting for my dinner to be digest...
Ahh!!! going to go crazy... today is my off day...the next off day is on tue... tt's y nvr wash clothes yesterday...tml then wash... dunno y,i always like wasting my off day...when u work,dun u always wish tt ur off day faster come? then wtf i'm doing here? went out with her to c phone...ahhh,decide to buy later... be patient... then?go game shop bought assassin's creed,n change a usb port for her...then?go eat,dunno wat to do...food sucks... then? walk here walk there...met my bro,say bye,then we come my house...install liao cannot play...ccb...this is the main prob,if can play then i won't complain too much... fuck la,then lend her play...sian,watch manga,then dunno wat to do liao...she eating with her family at night...
Internet fucking lag...go online play my usual game...lag like fucking idiot...in the end i go play hp...wa!!! wat kind of off day leh...can be more life anot?just now go makan then saw dave or peter,dunno wat his real name...he no more cooking,then do study business,for foreign one... then intro me...cb,hear wat he say liao on the spot sian...illegal loh...fuck la...then walk one round go 7-11 n saw uncle david...talk talk loh...he also very difficult to tok nowadays la...maybe becos everytime saw him talk about tt thing...so just tok cock better...then saw ppl quarrel,man hit lady...there got almost 60 over ppl looking loh...stupid one la... half an hour still no police come...stupid...waste my time...after tt go home...
Still trying to play,now give up liao...sian...super sian...y can't my off day be more life?!?going crazy about this stupid internet...haiz...feel like killing myself...sleep also cannot sleep properly think also cannot think properly...wanna do then do loh...think so much for wat...do liao i onli lose time n nothing...maybe a little brain cell...
Now looking at ppl friendsters...k po...thinking back the past again...for wat fuck...dunno also...y can't i just stand up n move forward?lazy?think i just sux...weather getting hot,my temper also go hot...dun think she can tolerate anymore ba...just leave me to die la...haiz...
I'm nothing,realli nothing...time is running...i'm aging...same to everyone else...y can't i just treasure it?y when a person get something,they won't treasure?this is the fact,at least to me...i'm not good,i'm not strong,i'm nothing...but it's also me tt make myself something...oh pls,y do human always forget wat they learn,n repeat their mistake?with such memory like me,y can't i remember my mistake?for wat i think back of the past?
Chapter CXIV: Memoir of MY LIFE
Friday, April 25, 2008
I'm not kind, I'm just weak...
tt's y i can't do anything...
perhaps this serve me right...
wat i have done,I will get in return...
isn't it?
~
As I say retribution comes day by day,
even I know,as I wear this blood n flesh,
I will still suffer this eternal pain,
cuts right through my heart
I will still fall in love...
~
Day by day,
I begin to fall in love,
in love with grief n sorrow,
in love with being hate,
in love with carrying this pain,
so, trade my life for ur pain...
~
Please,
my dear,
realise tt ur lover's heart,
is born with this,
he's born to accept sorrow,
he's born to love,
is it a sin to be born?
~
Perhaps,
it's too late now,
the perfection i crave for will nvr be perfect...
nothing can be perfect anyway...
~
Regrets,
wat's regret?
there's nothing perfect,y regret?
nothing matters...
~
I admit my mistake,my bad,
n my life without regrets,
just my best,when my breath,
still holds...
~
My life,
there's nothing to regret...
Chapter CXIII: Not Soulbound
Thursday, April 24, 2008
From the very start,i was thinking about this... do we think alike? how alike? i focus on a relation... do u know how i feel? actualli i know how u feel,wat u wan,wat u think... at first i think is coincidence,but now i think it's common sense... issit my common sense is too sensitive? or issit obvious... but when i link all this common sense together,it makes no sense... i dun mind losing anyway,but like tt i can't do anything... can't we comprimise till we both can benefit? nothing much nothing less,just like a jig saw puzzle fix in perfectly... there may not be perfection,but it's a need to make things as perfect as possible... dun u think so?
My fault,ur fault...this is something both of us hold fault... i realli can't think of a way tt make things go well,i'm getting more n more tired... y not let keep ourselves unexpected,i mean dun expect from each other,doesn't it be good?i dunno... tired... can't think... just feel tt, noone should bound themselves together... for good,so u will be grateful wat we do for each other... so we can do wat we wan for each other becos of love,n not for the sake of a title...should this be all the way till death? n not stop when married or wat...so we can c each other's true colour n not waste time to find r we suitable...i think i can do it this way...can u? let's keep ourselves unexpected,n not soulbound...
N ya right... i'm still awake at this hour,becos... i wish tt we can be happier...
Chapter CXII: My heart draw alot of dreams...
Monday, April 21, 2008
Today realli quite a strong day for me... awake my cells... nabei,yesterday god damn sway... phone drop in the stupid hole under my basin... spoil liao... now using this stupid samsung phone...i hate samsung...dunno how to use... onli the external design nice onli...other than tt is realli... haiz...gonna get a new phone...soon...yeah right...
Real awake..chat with someone today,get a pretty good sight tt.... i'm old... damn... y do i look so old in front of her? 4 years diff like 14 years diff like tt...wth... no it's mature,not old ok...haha... anyway also awake my brain while toking to them... good...
Wanted so much to get a new phone loh...feel like taking i phone... so nice loh...but ex la... told myself...i will not spend the money tt won't have a chance to help me earn money... it's a waste... erm,dun worry,i will still give tips if it's necessary:> but if i get a new phone will it help me earn money?eh...can't think of a reason even i really wanna buy...T.T erm...still will buy ba...untill, i have the money twice of the price tt i uber wanna buy item... erm...by tt time shouldn't be a prob... i phone already reach singapore,from the information by my bro...90% price will drop like water...cos there's already a private market in singapore...
Erm...yeah,feel so good now...perhap i've found wat i'm gonna do...someone which so strongly objected to my decision...hoho but i'm gonna do it...hoho...this is my dream...founded deeply in my heart...anyway, this will make my life more interesting...hoho...so happy...n this dream, will definately fufill alot of dream in my heart too...
Slowly,i admit... i feel this pounding in my heart while i look through ppl's friendster...thinking about alot of things... i admit, i'm greedy... look at this person's blog... haiz... y can't be u guys stay innocent n pure? y allow urself to be corrupted like so many other's? y can't just follow ur heart? y can't u guys do it?
Y can't I do it?
Chapter CXI: Home sweet home
Saturday, April 19, 2008
My fucking com is lagging again...=.="" i mean my internet... hate it... while waiting for it to log i rest my eyes a little looking away... n saw something... something on the wall... my hanger... those 2 hanger tt was place on wall more than 1 year ago...hanging my 'floor cloth' like chef u... how long i haven't cook in a industrial kitchen... the walls r full of web... more than a year i haven't touch tt part of the wall... memories rush back in... but somethings gone... i forget how tt person tt hung these hanger on to the wall looks like,her expressions... totally gone...
U asked me, do i miss her? actually not realli.. i, can't remember her face anymore... if i stretch my memories n focus,perhaps i can... but i dun even bothered... cos not important anymore... wat i'm gonna say here is....... i missed tt home sweet home feeling... someone waiting for me at home when i finish work... someone to talk to when we r together... i can talk bed time stories when we r sleeping... liked...we r married... i just like tt feeling... dunno y... guys perhaps will hate tt man... perhaps, i shouldn't care tt much anymore, i know u can't, now... but i will achieve n wait for the time to come... dun worried, i'm actually just missing the future to come... just dun nag at me tt time can already...:)
Chapter CX: Entertainment
Eh, suddenly found something, human loves entertainment... Of cos! thinking back a dozen of centuries ago,ppl shouldn't have much entertainment i guess... one of the biggest should be sex... tt doesn't explain y nowadays ppl get sexual disease more than the ancients... funny right? now we got so many entertainment,but sexual disease seems worst than the ppl back then... so u mean ancient ppl dun need entertainment? or they prefer masterbed... erm... dunno leh...
But one thing pretty sure, humans love entertainments... through out the centuries, ppl inventing more n more entertainment... start from tv... y is tv so attractive? perhaps ppl put themselves in the situations of stories... books, games, movies all have the same purpose, they let the watcher or the player to be in tt situation... from the point of view of the watcher, they will often not notice how the characters suffer in daily life, n those parts r all cut off... like eating,they won't show tt person wat the hell n how much they eat etc, or show how the person work, how much stress tt person suffer... they will onli focus on the storyline of tt particular story... for players, they too follow the story line...will they play till a part where the character have to eat or bath or work? even there is,it's just a button's difference...
Just becos of this... creators of all shorts of entertainment let the consumer feel lift from the present world n goes to another world... letting them forget wat's happening around them actually... so, they will not feel stress for tt part of time... kinda letting a person feels shiok,'hi'... erm... doesn't tt sounds abit like u r taking drugs??? tt's y... ppl can sit at a place n keep playing games for hours, watching movies for hours, or read a book for hours... example, me, my sis, my bro... haiz... n when addicted, it's pretty hard to cease off... neh, i have to force myself to stop... becos, i am fucking throwing money for all this... n those fuckers r earning it... y not i'm the earner? haha... stupid... those earners sure have their entertainments...
So,wat i'm thinking is, a human must have entertainment,but sufficient... dun forget wat u r going to do tml... perhaps a short period like a few month to actualli a year without much entertainments should be ok...but definately not a few month or a year with full entertainment... measure ur ambitious n ur needs well... n must learn how to cut it off quick,if not problems will arise...:)
Chapter CIX: Self-Description
Yeah start this bloggy for more than one year liao i think,still haven't realli describe myself... Perhaps ppl tt have read may understand more about me,which i actually doubt so... Those who work with me may understand me quite abit,which i realli doubt so... so,even if u understand me,which u actualli think u do,this is how i'm looking at myself...
Definately a stubborn person,i got my own thinking n have my direction written pretty well in my head... but sometimes i will change my point of view n the way i do things...either after long thinking, or after kanna some shit... i am a person tt dun like to listen to ppl's advice(at times),even u tell me in front there's a hole,i will still walk straight to it... it's after i kanna already,then i will remember it... seriously,y is tt so? perhaps it's my up bringing... my brother train me this way,but he just fuck me up just now becos i did it this way... ya pretty get his point, perhaps i should do something about it...
Others,i am a horny bastard which i admit(which guy's not?)... At times la... of cos i know,how to take things sufficient... i am a pretty smart person, but i just think too much, keep asking alot of question,n answer it... alot of times i asked the wrong question too... this part makes me very different from average ppl... ppl just stop asking questions... tt's y my head so big...(y i suan siao myself?)
And also, i'm a extremist... i always do things to extremes... but i have a kind heart, tt's y i nvr join ppl to go bomb places... i'm also very lazy... tt's wat break promises,especially those tt i made for my own... i'm also a very shy person,which most of the ppl ard me knows...(yeah) n i take life very easily... i mean my life... from the day i know i'm gonna die, i start to take it lightly... always do things for the sake of others... when i'm doing for myself, i would do it easily... I'm also a person tt good at mind games...just tt i'm too lazy to plan it out... of cos when comes to countering mind games, i'm always good...
In the end,i'm a very good actor too... yet to find my other talents,but i'm practically a multi-talented type... so acting is one of the this i'm good at... C? so much different from wat u know about me... hoho,rubbish,just kanna fuck up,so boring n put in a multi entry,tt's all...:)
Chapter CVIII: 砂時計(Hour Glass)
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Second by second, we pass everyday, some dunno where they r going, some knows... do i know? Always asking myself,wat am i achieving, suffering from all these,everyone else do,but where am i going...tomorrow.
Minute by minute, i grow old... straight to the point, am i scared of regret when i grow old lying on bed waiting for the last breath? perhaps i dun get the chance... but surely, waiting for tt last breath, regretting something i didn't do in my life? there maybe more than one thing,definately,but which is the one tt i will regret the most? i can't realli tell...now.
Hour by hour, looking back at my pass entries... how much i've changed? change back? learn,relearn... how many times, just in a short life time of 23 years,changes in me is countless... perceptions,decisions, regrets... when can i stable myself? my decision,my intelligence,my talent, n most of all,my heart? perhaps... today.
After so long, i still dun understand... life's just as this, value... man of value indeed is better than man of success as wat albert einstein had said,it's a more to an artistic point of view... who can fucking understand this when a genius scientist says this kind of things,when everyone is thinking at a logical way...my answer was tt times r different,tt's y i can't interprete wat he's meaning...but most probably,he said this near his end of life... being a man of value indeed fulfill himself better than man of success... wat he knows,wat he teaches,wat he experience... spread to ppl tt r far away from death,n spreading it down...erm,perhaps i didn't explain it good enough to let others understand...but i understand wat he mean...it's tt wat i'm craving for tml?
Think over, there's nothing much left to regret when i'm almost gone...too late,wasting time to regret n learn from mistake especially then... i should be sad over nothing... at tt time i can onli make use of all the remaining time i have to enjoy myself... but do i have anything to let me enjoy tt time?
I know wat to do next...just whether i'm going to do it,next 3 months,critical period... set alot of safety lines to help... nothings gonna go wrong, except for 7th of may... nothing to worry either,cos nothing i can decide... so just wait for time to come...
Lastly, nothing i'm gonna worry about for the remaining, i know things well far b4 then, putting me into a sense of craziness,just 'cos i forgot something... reading back may help me handle this trouble once again... numbness, i deserve,i know hell well wat i deserve, so, let's just get to sleep hoping tml light may be vision once again, for me to face wat they called justice, my torturement in time...
Chapter CVII: How pain can it be?
Dunno wat to say... wat pain can i feel? Shouldn't i been numb already? Totally not... i dunno... y am i here? hurt? pain? frustrated? watever...commitment,promise... should i give up? so much things about this came to me these few days... realli...
Wat am i achieving? win? there's no win or lose in a relationship... i can always lose for u...but wat's the point? wat's the point of quarreling? told this her one year ago,told alot of ppl,n even told u,quarreling is just getting to a better point,to a conclusion tt suit situation best... u think i'm so free for a quarrel? but y i always felt tt i'm competiting something tt is childish n make no sence? realli is dunn for wat... can we quit these kind of rubbish?
I'm exhausted already...
Should it be a day we should celebrate? shouldn't we be happy making things good for each other? but y now i get this feeling? tell me? issit my fault? wat do i need to do? be natural,dun change anything,u think we can proceed? i dunno...
Not pain,not pain...
Chapter CVI: Work hard together
Saturday, April 5, 2008
I'm still trying hard u know? i realli dunno whether i'm in the right path... u just dun seems happy... somehow i feel the same... i wanna control,but u dun like... i let u decide,u say dunno... but i can guess when u will say dunno... sometime i know wat's ur answer... i also dunno y i ask... maybe issit i also dunno? i use an excuse tt i respect ur decision...
dunno dunno...i dunno...
Keep trying,failed,keep trying,failed,keep trying,failed... u repeat these for like a thousand times... u type also tired... i using heart to try... keep trying n failed... think back... wtf am i trying? wat's my aim? trying to be a good guy? i gave up on tt for a year plus le... trying to be a good bf tt will always let my gf to be happy? is there realli such thing anot... if there's no sadness where comes the happiness? so tt's actually not the thing i'm trying... wat i'm trying,wat i'm doing is actually creating a future... a happy future in average,a family,i got my house,my wife,my children... i'm no longer young already... i have to hurry... create new life,a nice future... for me,for u? dunno for wat... perhaps i'm thinking too far off...
Go back abit... first,i must know wat i can compremise... issit everything i can compremise?for love? sot... there's no such things... i'm not superman... i will have to compremise in alot of things though,but not all... i need ur help actually... same thing,u can't compremise with me in everything... proven... u can't,noone can... so we have to help each other out... try our best... if u treasure,treasure this relationship... it's obvious... obvious tt i treasure... think u too... if not u will not do so much for me... if not u will not hold me so tight tt time... if not,u will not cry... let's just think it this way... making me better... let's work hard together...
Chapter CV: Forgotten,Good thing
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Erm,just changed a new blogskin... Ulquiorra Schiffer theme,from bleach... 4th espada... erm the most nice one la... hoho... for so long i wanted to change a new skin but didn't get any good idea also... finally la...
The blogskin itself is a very simple one,but there is so much things to edit,waste alot of time... have to take my old blog contact then paste here,the chat box everything... but the most difficult is this blog skin dun show title,then i have to think myself with the help of the old blog, how to let everything go in my own way... whoo,not easy,cos i'm so computer idiot... finally done le,left the music session,dun feel like putting any,soo leave it first...
Then i notice my chat box just now... nothing... long long time no ppl write liao... the last one is yun... ermmm kind of a good thing... seems like nobody bothers to look at my blog or write something up there... think i'm being forgotten le ba... good thing... dun wanna get involved with anybody...
